I had an abortion two weeks ago today. I'm 25 and I recently got married. But a month ago I discovered that my husband had continuously lied about his past.
I was 9 weeks pregnant when I discovered the extent of the lies and he was totally against abortion. I, on the other hand, had never dreamed to be in this position but then it hit me - no one sets out aiming for this...it's the circumstances that mean women make these decisions.
I was left with three choices, I felt - raise the baby with a man I didn’t know I could trust, be a single mum or have the abortion (I couldn’t bear the thought of adoption - knowing my child was out there somewhere). This was the only way I felt I could regain some control and, while I am still trying to make it work with my husband, I felt it was one thing to risk my heart and life on him but I couldn't bring a baby into such a rocky mess.
Two weeks on, I am the lowest I've ever been. I often feel on the edge of tears and so empty / purposeless. The place where I had the abortion offered counselling, which I said I wanted, but they have not been in touch. My family and friends have been amazingly supportive but I just feel lost. It's a feeling you can't put into words. I see kids on the street and my heart wants to break. I just wanted to put my story here so that women could know that others are going through it too and it is the hardest decision I've ever made...and it's the biggest burden I think I'll ever bear...but I still believe it was the right thing to do. I could never have given my baby away and I'm still not sure my marriage will work and life is hard enough without bringing a baby into an unstable home. For those out there who do decide to have the baby - you are the bravest women of all and I applaud you...I just couldn't do it. Knowing that I am that weak is horrible to realise.
Editor’s note: Thank you for sharing your story with us…You are really suffering at the moment, it seems. You tried to do what you thought was best at the time, believing that an abortion would help you regain control in a situation that was spiralling downwards, but you hadn’t really estimated how much your heart would be in pain – loss and grief - over this. Circumstantially, an abortion may have helped you find more order in your life, but your heart is now having to cope with another deep pain besides the pain brought on by your husband’s lies. I’m struck by your statement that says ‘I could never have given my baby away’ and yet, in one sense, that is exactly what you have experienced. On top of that, you are contemptuous of yourself for being ‘weak’ – this tells me that you are also struggling with guilt and shame, perhaps feeling that your abortion is not going to achieve what you hoped it would achieve. All in all, you are suffering a lot and I feel you may benefit from some compassionate and experienced support from your nearest centre. Please get in touch with someone there and find the healing you seem to need. We’ll be thinking of you.