In November 2007 I had an abortion. I became pregnant while fully breast-feeding my 4 month old son.

In November 2007 I had an abortion. I became pregnant while fully breast-feeding my 4 month old son. I had been using the pill but I was tired and missing a few. I stupidly thought that I would be ok as I was breast feeding. I was so tired with my son, and was struggling a little if I’m honest. Becoming pregnant was awful, the all-day sickness made it very difficult with my new born son. I couldn't eat anything and breast feeding was much harder. I went to the doctor and he just said rest and that breast feeding while pregnant could be done and often is. I went back to the doctor a week later asking for help again when I had lost one and a half stone in weight. He told me it would pass, but family members were very concerned about my health and I had to lie saying I had got a bug. Anyway I told my partner I couldn't have the baby. I wanted him to fight for the baby and support me as the sickness would pass, but he thought it was the right idea as he didn't want another baby. I went to a different doctor and asked for an abortion. He gave me a form to sign and that was that, no questions asked. Because I was breast feeding I couldn't be put to sleep and could only have paracetomol. The procedure seemed to take ages when I was told it would be one minute, and I found it extremely painful. Afterwards, I went into the room with approximately six other women who had also just had an abortion and who all seemed fine, but I felt very ill. That night I slept the entire night for the first time in three months, had a terrible eerie dream that I remember vividly. I am outside in the cold knocking on my mum’s window but she’s too busy watching TV to come and get the door straight away, and I am scared as there are two ugly devil-like heads by my feet trying to get me to go with them saying that I am theirs. The next day I felt so much relief as I did not feel ill, but so so guilty. My partner wouldn’t talk about it and pretended the whole thing didn’t happen. I just wanted someone to listen and he was the only one who knew but got angry when I mentioned it. The following nights, I had a dream that I still dream of from time to time that makes me cry so much. I won’t go into detail. My partner and I now are splitting up as the first year comes. The abortion was a big regret for me. From when it happened, it was this time yesterday I was pregnant, this time last week, this time 12 days ago and so on, using my head it was the right thing to do, but it was so so wrong. I will never have another abortion no matter what. I will be much more careful, and now use the injection which is very effective. I should have another lovely bundle of joy to love but I don’t and that is my fault. Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story with us…It seems you were really struggling to keep your head above water when you were pregnant again. Feeling so tired and sick is a huge pressure when trying to cope with a newborn. The relief you felt afterwards reveals the depth of your difficulty. However, you may feel that you have exchanged one set of problems for another set – deeper, emotional ones that you can’t seem to move out of which are prominent again as you go through a break up and face an anniversary. Your repetitive dream is also indicative of the disturbance you feel at heart level and it would help you so much to get support. Please contact your nearest centre and make an appointment to see someone, so that you can begin a post-abortion recovery programme and find the healing you need. We’ll be thinking of you.

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