I was 17 when I had my termination (I personally don't like the word abortion, it seems too harsh!).

By anonymous on 19/11/2008
I was 17 when I had my termination (I personally don't like the word abortion, it seems too harsh!). I had already had a child at 14 which I kept. After having my child my mother told me she would kick both me and my child out if I ever feel pregnant again. Unfortunately I did and felt I was backed into a corner, feeling like the only option was a termination. My sister found out later during the day that I had a termination and made me tell my mother. Her reaction was not great and I became very depressed. A month after having my termination, I ran away with my then boyfriend and started regretting my termination, thinking if only I could have hung on for another month.

My life has been a really mixed bag since then but often, at the time I fell pregnant and the time of my termination, I get really down and start thinking 'what if' and 'if only'. My termination is just over ten years now but I still have quite a few emotions about it. I often make myself forget but simple things can bring back all the mixed emotions. (I was ecstatic when I first found out I was pregnant but had to keep this to myself). I find these emotions come back easily when I watch movies where the pregnant lady is confused and they also come back around the anniversaries. I know this has started sounding like a ramble but I can't always just brush the feelings of guilt, remorse, fear and anger away. I just have to remind myself what was going on at that point and slowly come through it. I cannot talk to my two closest friends about this subject as both have wanted children but were unable to conceive and so I don't want to upset them that I had a termination. I don't know if anyone else has had a similar experience but I just wanted to share this and get some words of comfort for myself and others who may have gone through feeling their termination was forced. Sorry for upsetting anyone.

Editor’s note: Thank you for sharing your story with us…It is clear from what you say that this is an unhealed pain in your life and is still affecting you after ten years. The fact that you don’t even like the word is a sign that you are feeling both uncomfortable with what it is and feel guilty and ashamed as a result. You had, at a young age, to tuck your feelings away where they could not be seen and this resulted in depression. You have anniversary feelings too, and feel a barrier between yourself and your closest friends. All these observations mean that you have not properly resolved your experience and would probably benefit from walking through our post-termination recovery programme ‘The Journey’. All you have to do is get in touch with your nearest centre, ring the helpline or use Online Advisor for the support you need. Please have courage to get in touch. You may have got used to it, but you no longer need to live under this shadow. We’ll be thinking of you.

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