I've posted a few times on here. I was the unlucky one that it didn't fully work.

By anonymous on 05/12/2008
I've posted a few times on here. I was the unlucky one that it didn't fully work. I've had time to reflect now and my surgery was 25 days ago. And I can finally say after four months that my life is back on track, and you can get through it. It was the most traumatic soul destroying thing I went through: three terminations in six weeks for the same pregnancy.

After having both medical and surgical terminations, I can honestly say it's easier to recover after a surgical one. The bleeding stops within hours. After my medical one, I bled for five weeks but it was incomplete. I have also realised I went for the medical one because I wanted to make myself suffer and face what I had done and what I was losing. In reality, it was a baby whether I saw it or not.

I have also tried to speak to the father after he accused me of not being unwell or undergoing a further two terminations. Some may think I was silly but I was on speaking terms with him and I figured that I could talk to people constantly but the one person I needed to tell was him. The connection was with him and he should know what our mistake did. However this chat never occurred and I've decided I don't need to tell him. He will never understand. And I don’t need or want him to understand anymore. Four months ago, I thought my world had come crashing down and the further complications really felt like my world was closing in and it would never end. I have had time to heal emotionally and physically and it's so nice to discover who I am now. I’m stronger, I know that, and I got through it on my own.

It was never an easy way out, and it was never going to be over quickly, but it's coming to an end now and you can get through it. Take all the support given to you, and please make the right decision for you and nobody else.

Editor’s note: Thanks for writing in again…It’s good to hear how you feel further on in your journey. You’ve learned some important things about yourself; namely that whether you chose to experience a medical or a surgical abortion, there’s a part of you that still understands that the reality of what’s happening does not change. You’ve learned that wanting to make yourself suffer, in order to somehow punish yourself, comes from a sense of guilt, a deep response to crossing your own boundaries. It also sounds as if you have surprised yourself with the emotional resilience you have found within yourself to survive such a negative series of events. It might be a good idea to do yourself a favour and have a post-abortion check-up at your nearest centre, just to make sure that your heart is being attended to positively, and not inclining to over-protection which can happen after difficult experiences.

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