I had an abortion on the 14th Aug 08 at 8 weeks and everyday I pine for my little angel.

I had an abortion on the 14th Aug 08 at 8 weeks and everyday I pine for my little angel. I didn’t want the abortion but I was forced to have one by my partner. I’m still with my partner who only recently has understood what has happen and is now filled with regret. I love him but a big part of me hates him. I’m 20 and I live with my partner far away from my parents. I’m in university just about managing to survive. I honestly believe that I would be happy if I was able to keep my child. I love my child so much and I only pray that my child forgives me. My heart is so heavy and I feel I don’t deserve to have children. At the BPAS centre where I had the abortion, the people there tried their hardest to make me feel comfortable but I couldn’t stop crying. My partner tried to support me as much as he could trying to make me feel better but it was the worst time of my life. The procedure went fine, just a little achy afterwards but fine. Straight after I felt dead. I just sat there looking into space with tears rolling down my face. I couldn’t believe what I had done; how could God forgive me? After a few days I felt ok, the guilt wasn’t bad and I thought I could cope. In the last month, my heart has been torn out and I can’t stop crying for my little defenceless angel. I have nightmares all the time and I don’t know how to cope. I wish I could go back in time. Right now I should be rubbing my bump. When I was pregnant I had the worst morning sickness, back pain, stomach cramps, nausea, leg pains, and tender breasts EVER! And I would give anything to have it back. It’s come to the point where I feel like I want a child to make up for the one I lost. I know its wrong but I don’t know how to cope with the pain. I want my baby back and there’s nothing I can do! It hurts so much so please reconsider having an abortion! My baby died because I was stupid and I will never forgive myself. Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story with us…It sounds as if you are really suffering with feelings of loss, and regret, powerlessness, guilt and grief. All these emotions are common after an abortion, including feeling as if you want another baby to make up for the one you didn’t have. It probably seems overwhelming and as if it will never get any better, but there is hope. It would help you to begin to talk this through with someone who understands, so I suggest you contact your nearest centre, ring the helpline or use Online Advisor to get the support you need. It’s possible for you to begin addressing these painful emotions and find ways to relate to them healthily.
This story was sent in on 16/12/2008 and it's been viewed 1,508 times.

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I am 28 years old, unmarried. I have a BA in Biology. Basically science-oriented. Someone who should be able to make smart decisions, right?

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