I knew I never wanted to get rid of my baby...

By anonymous on 27/09/2006
I was 17, had a great job training to be a riding instructor, a decent boyfriend that I had been with for about a year and life was fab! Then one day I felt really drained and so tired and just had a feeling some thing wasn't right. It crossed my mind about being pregnant but I didn’t think it would be that, or so I told myself, but deep down I think I knew I was choosing to stick my head in the sand, ignore it and hope all would be ok. I did nothing about it for a couple of months.

I knew I never wanted to get rid of my baby and in hindsight can now see that I was hoping that somehow someone would tell me that it was ok, but my boyfriend’s reaction, ‘We're too young’, soon turned in to 'I won’t have anything to do with you or the baby if you keep it' and 'I’m not wrecking my life with a baby'. I was completely heart-broken.

I was scared to death at the idea of keeping the baby on my own but knew I would rather that than have an abortion. Time kept on ticking past and I knew I had to sort this out but, over the last couple of months, he had gone on and on and on at me about how we should get rid of it and it would be the best decision and it was more sensible and responsible of us than keeping a baby he didn’t want. I could feel him talking me into it even though I knew it wasn’t right.

Before I knew what was happening the appointment was booked at the clinic and I couldn't believe I was doing this but couldn't think how to stop it. It felt as though I was watching myself sign the forms and lay in bed waiting. I just felt numb. As the time came to go for the op, I just cried as they put me to sleep. I so badly wanted to tell them to stop.

When I woke up I was still crying and I realised I had done something awful. It's been four and a half years and I feel like a totally different person now. I don’t get upset about anything because nothing seems as painful as that did. I cried every day for about 3 years. It really is the worst thing I’ve ever done.

I’m married now to a lovely man (not the old boyfriend!) and I’m desperate for a baby of our own but it just scares me that when I do get pregnant I’m going to feel even worse for the baby I killed and don’t know how I will cope.

If you’re thinking of having an abortion, please, please think about really carefully and talk to people you can trust about it, because everyone tells you it can be upsetting but nothing prepares you for the guilt and sadness afterwards.

Editor’s note: Thank you for telling us your story…Can I encourage you to ask for some post-abortion support, either by visiting a centre, ringing the helpline or using Online Advisor? It seems so sad that you want to have a baby so much but your fear of emotional pain holds you back. I know that, with support, it is possible for you to relate in a better way to your abortion experience, come to terms with your pain and grief, still honour the memory of your first pregnancy and enjoy a new baby too.

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