I murdered my baby four years ago and still don't know how I've managed to live with what I've done for so long.By anonymous on 02/01/2009
I murdered my baby four years ago and still don't know how I've managed to live with what I've done for so long. I was in a difficult relationship so I wanted nothing more to do with the father, even though I had wanted a baby for years and had got pregnant unexpectedly. I was told years before the pregnancy that I would find it difficult to get pregnant. The reality of being pregnant though must have been too much for me because I contacted a clinic, ended the relationship with the father and had a termination within a couple of weeks. Yes, I had time to think about it but that time was filled with panic and uncertainty and abortion seemed to be the 'easier' choice - I even kept the abortion secret and to this day the father and my parents do not know about my pregnancy or abortion. My experience at the clinic was horrendous. I had biased counselling - the counsellor didn't care, she did not mention other options or reassure me about anything or explore my feelings and I even told her I wanted the baby. I was ill informed - it just feels like they are a lie and are allowed to get away with it. Also the termination, which was surgical, was rushed. I had been brought up as a Christian and never believed in abortion but still went ahead and had one. I felt relief after the abortion but that few hours worth of relief has been overshadowed with over four years of guilt, grief, trauma, regret, depression, anxiety, shame and self-loathing. I am completely overwhelmed and have been receiving help for over four years because of my reactions to my abortion. I believe I am beyond help now as I have had intense input - many, many counselling sessions and I am on a high dose of anti-depressants and nothing takes away the pain of the little boy or girl I lost so stupidly. All I had to do was keep him/her safe like a mother should but I left my baby to the wolves. Anyone reading this may just think I'm crazy but this is how I feel - it's New Year's Day 2009 and I should be sleeping all right now as it's 4 am but I am totally messed up because I lost my baby. I know my guilt is strong and deep but so is my love for my baby and I did a terrible thing to my poor defenceless child. I miss my baby so much but I sometimes sense my baby is safe, although my belief in God is virtually non-existent now because of my experiences. When I lost my baby I lost me too. I am still struggling to cope with my loss - if I only knew then what I know now I would have stayed well clear of the clinic and would have a lovely, beautiful three year old now. I cannot seem to make my wrong right but I am trying to - hopefully by helping others. Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story with us…You really are quite determined to stay in a place of punishment, aren’t you? Yes, you feel a huge loss and you feel the tremendous guilt that someone with even a vestige of faith would feel, knowing that they have done something that goes against it. But the truth is that abortion is not the unforgiveable sin. It is good to acknowledge and deal with pain honestly and truthfully – we’re designed to go through it and heal - but we are not supposed to stay in it for so long that our lives are consumed by it – it’s just not necessary. Pain is not meant to be the means of your self-punishment – it is just a natural consequence of the loss of a baby and of doing something that goes against your faith. Four years of the kind of pain you are experiencing tells me that you don’t really want to move past this – it gives you something you want…and I suspect it’s punishment, or at least just getting what you ‘deserve’. This is penance, not repentance; worldly sorrow, not godly sorrow. To receive forgiveness from God – or to forgive yourself – seems just too ‘easy’, doesn’t it? That would just be letting you off the hook, wouldn’t it? Your baby is indeed safe. What’s more, your baby feels no pain, or anger or unforgiveness towards you. In fact, just the opposite. There’s only love in heaven. God IS love. He can’t be anything else. Love doesn’t want you to sit in a pool of your own despair any longer. You’ve acknowledged the truth of what you did; now it's time to acknowledge the truth of the forgiveness that is there for you…and let the abortion go. That doesn't mean letting the memory of your baby go, but to honour his or her memory at the same time. Then you can become, at last, the person God designed you to be as a contribution to this world. Our thoughts are with you.