I posted my story on this site two months ago following a medical abortion at eight weeks nearly seven months ago, a decision I have regretted everyday since.
The first few months after my abortion passed in a blur. All I can remember is days lying on the sofa crying: a time of darkness and emotional pain second to none, indescribable to anyone who has not experienced the loss of a child, even suicidal thoughts in the hope I could be reunited with my baby. However, my ex partner encouraged me to get counselling to help me come to terms with the loss, which at first I was reluctant to do, as I did not believe anything could help or understand my pain. I believed nobody who had an abortion wanted their baby like I did. I now realise this not to be the case. After much persuasion, I arranged through Care Confidential to get the counselling I needed. I was assigned a wonderful counsellor who did not judge me and showed me how to express me grievance and anger through creativity. We worked through the Journey recovery programme at a pace comfortable for me focusing on forgiveness, responsibility and anger management. I don't know for sure the sex of my baby as it was far too early, but I believe deep down my baby was a little girl and through the counselling programme I allowed myself to name my baby and created an album in memory of my baby with everything from my pregnancy tests. All the activities covered on the course including letters to my baby and ex- partner to photographs of the candles I have lit for her. I can honestly say it’s beautiful and I am very proud of it. As well as providing comfort for me, it provides positive encouragement.
Gradually after about two months of attending the counselling course, I noticed I could remember some days that had passed and the tears were not every day. However, I did still feel down and cried a lot. Setbacks, such as having the coil fitted, reminded me of the whole experience. I felt like I would take two steps forward and ten back. Although nearly seven months on, the lead up to Christmas was hard. I spent a week in bed crying for my little girl as my due date is coming up soon. So although it is evident it’s still affecting my life, I want to say time is a great healer and the pain does ease. Although I have setbacks I do not have suicidal thoughts anymore and I now feel I am taking ten steps forward and only two back. I still find myself thinking about my baby a lot of the time but I am beginning to find I am enjoying the things I used to and my genuine smile can be seen again. Although I don't know if my ex partner and I can ever rekindle our relationship, we are able to be polite to each other and remember our relationship in a positive way. I believe the experience has taught me some valuable life skills and has made me a better person. So please, girls, if you are reading this, stay positive. It does get better and you will never forget your baby or dishonour their memory by allowing yourself to enjoy life again.
Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing about your recovery process with us…It sounds as if The Journey programme left you in a better place than you were at the start...and that’s good news! You obviously took time to engage with your feelings through the course and learned much. Thank you for taking that brave step. It will give hope to others who are reading your story and feel the same things you felt after your abortion. The truth is that abortion is not the end. It can be a painful experience, but it can also be a means of growth and maturity for every woman if the pain is addressed in a healthy way and not buried, suppressed, ignored or just plain denied.
As your due date was coming up, it might be an idea for you to get in touch with the person who helped you before, if possible, and allow her to guide you through this time. Due dates are recognisable times when further support – and some revisiting of emotion - is sometimes necessary. It’s not a failure, just part of the process. We’ll be thinking of you.