I'm 31 years old and my partner is a few years younger. I've just had a surgical termination.

By anonymous on 08/01/2009
I'm 31 years old and my partner is a few years younger. I've just had a surgical termination. It wasn't my first but I can honestly say I am experiencing more pain emotionally than ever before. I hope things will get easier and that I can learn to forgive myself.

My boyfriend ended our relationship just before I found out about the pregnancy, as I wanted to settle down, build a nest and have a stable committed relationship. We have been on and off for around three years and live separately. Shortly after our breakup I discovered I was pregnant - he was under the impression he was infertile. I truly can’t wait till I'm in a position to have children, and I enjoyed bonding with my bump.

I promised myself after my previous termination I would never go through it again and that I would continue any future pregnancy. So why did I choose this path? I want children, am in love with my partner (even though the relationship is not particularly conventional)... The problem was, when we broke up I had sex with a black guy, a friend. The protection we used failed but I still got the morning after pill and thought nothing more of it. When I eventually did a 95% accurate pregnancy test, one week overdue, it showed a conception date of three plus weeks which made the father the man I love. (There was a two week difference). However, the thought of going through the remaining pregnancy when there was a chance, a slim one but still a possibility that the child may not have been his, tormented me terribly - how could I ask the man I love to bond with my pregnancy when the child may not have even been his?

I admire any woman who successfully 'goes it alone'...I was far too emotionally vulnerable…and still am...My partner and I are seeing each other again and he has been very supportive. But I still feel quite alone in my experience...I haven’t been able to tell him about the other guy. I'm too afraid of losing what is left of our relationship...and I feel pain at having terminated by baby's life... My heart sincerely goes out to all those who have suffered similar experiences...and hope and pray we will make good solid choices in the future and eventually be the Mother(s) we wish to be...Peace and Love XX

Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story with us…It sounds as if you are really struggling with the sense of having gone against your deeper desire to have a baby, feeling trapped by the circumstances you were in. Feeling isolated and alone is probably compounded by the fact that you have this secret from the man you love. Secrets, by their very nature, create barriers between people and therefore affect the quality of the relationship. It might help you to visit your nearest centre, not only for post-abortion support, but also to help you to think through the nature of your relationship and what it means with regard to your desire to be a mother.

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