I'm 31, married with two children, and was shocked to the core when I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of December.

By anonymous on 12/01/2009
I'm 31, married with two children, and was shocked to the core when I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of December. We struggled to conceive our second child, eventually doing so with fertility treatment, and would have loved a third had it been possible and at the right time, but this just wasn't the right time. My husband felt too old, our children are older and at school, and I am at the start of a promising career after being a stay at home mum for many years. My head told me I had no option but to have a termination, while my heart told me not to be ridiculous, I'm a loving mother of two already, what difference does another make?

We tried to accept the fact we were going to have another baby but I could never quite hold on to it; how I wish I could have done now. During the first appointment at the clinic I was inconsolable and knew in my heart I couldn't do it, so I didn't listen to what they were telling me. Over Christmas we carried on like nothing was wrong but inside I was to-ing and fro-ing, never being able to stick to one decision for longer than a day. Then, a couple of days before the procedure, I decided that I had to stick at a decision, and I should be brave and go through with the termination for everyone's sake, otherwise our lives would be turned upside down, and I can honestly say we were the happiest loving family and I couldn't have asked for more before this. I still cannot believe I went through with a medical termination seven days ago. The mental pain is unbearable. I feel like I will never be happy again; I don't deserve to be. Every single argument we thought of to support our decision seems utterly trivial now.

We would have loved our baby and we would have made it work, both my husband and I know this. He is suffering as much as me but struggles to show anything; he doesn't know how to help me so he says and does nothing, when I'm not looking for him to do or say the right thing - just to be there for me. We love each other deeply and I know we will survive this but I'm frightened things will never be the same again. I have a bizarre need to replace our baby, which is absurd, and probably impossible without help given the fluke that this conception was, but when I get agonising pangs of sadness it is the only way I can think of making things better, even though I know it won't solve anything or bring our baby back. I am absolutely lost in a sea of grief and despair and I don't know when or if it will ever end; I just want to be me again, I want to have a happy family life again, I want to go back to two weeks ago and tell myself to go with my heart. I will never forgive myself for what I have done; I am broken hearted.

Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story with us…It sounds as if you were trying not to face the reality of what a termination would mean even before you had it – a sure sign that this would cause you emotional pain. Your ambivalence should have been thoroughly explored so that you knew exactly what you were entering into. Sticking at a decision for the sake of closure merely meant cutting off your heart’s feelings and pushing through in denial of them, didn’t it? You are obviously suffering a great sense of loss, and guilt, regret and grief. In addition to that, you are feeling the need for a replacement baby. This is a common feeling afterwards, so don’t be alarmed by that. It’s a response to loss and is instinctual. What I want to say to you both is that there is hope for you to come through this, but you’ll probably both need some support and getting in touch with your nearest centre is one of the best ways of getting this. Call the helpline or check the website to see where support is available.

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