When I found out that I was pregnant I was due to start my second year at university.
At first I thought the reason for my late period was stress but I thought I’d do a test just so I could rule out the idea of pregnancy. My parents were on holiday at the time so my boyfriend and I went to my house to do the test. When the two lines appeared I went into shock. I threw the test at my boyfriend in anger and disbelief. I couldn't believe my incredibly bad luck. However, as the idea of having a baby started to sink in, I came round to the idea of having the baby. Unfortunately, my boyfriend didn’t greet the news as I’d expected.
I thought that my boyfriend would have been the one trying to convince me to keep our unborn child and I would have been the hesitant one, but it turned out to be the other way round. I tried everything I could think of to convince my boyfriend to tell me that he wanted the baby, but he couldn't. Instead of the love and support I'd hoped for at this fragile time, I was met with concerns about how we couldn't afford a child and how he wasn't ready to be a father, despite being two years older than myself and in full time employment. The only word I can use to describe how he made me feel that day is well and truly ABANDONED. I couldn't understand that he was perfectly happy to pay over £500 to kill his own child.
At that time I felt I had no other choice than to abort my baby. I felt I had no support from anyone. My boyfriend didn't want the child, my parents would have most likely thrown me out of the house and I certainly couldn't support myself and a child whilst continuing at university. Reluctantly, I went to the consultation at the abortion clinic. I had a scan and discovered that I was seven weeks pregnant. It suddenly became so real to me. I started feeling really dizzy and I had to run to the toilets to be sick. The nurse realised that I didn’t particularly want the abortion. She offered counselling and told me to think it over very carefully.
The abortion was scheduled for the following week and it was decided that I was to have a medical abortion (abortion pill) as it sounded less invasive to me. The next few days were the worst days of my life. My boyfriend tried to be supportive but still couldn't find it in his heart to tell me that he wanted our child. On the day of the abortion we went to the clinic and I was given the first tablet. The day after, we went back to have the second tablet. This was when the pregnancy would leave my body.
We had booked a hotel for the night as my parents had returned and I couldn’t risk them finding out about the abortion. Once we left the clinic, it took about thirty minutes to reach the hotel and almost immediately, as soon as I reached the room, I was sick in the toilet. About ten minutes later I passed out the pregnancy. It was like really large blood clots and I had bad stomach cramps for quite a while. I cried myself to sleep that night imagining how my child may have looked if I'd allowed it to live. My boyfriend slept beside me, blissfully unaware of the emotional pain this was causing me. It made me feel as though the three years we had been together meant nothing if he was prepared to let me endure this heartbreak, but at the same time I couldn't be alone, I was far too fragile.
A year later, there isn't a day goes by when I don't think about what could have been. I realise now that if I'd have kept my baby it couldn't have possibly been as hard as living each day regretting the abortion. My boyfriend and I are still together and he attempts to fill me with false promises and hope about our future. He talks about how our lives will be one day and doesn't seem to consider the days already gone by which have completely ruined my life. I live with a huge guilt and longing for my child; I have absolutely no self- esteem; I get incredibly stressed out and I’m pretty sure that since I had my abortion, my life will never be the same again. My boyfriend claims that he regrets the abortion as much as I do but I have a distinct feeling he just says that in an attempt to keep me quiet. I just hope that one day things won’t be so hard and I hope that one day I will get the chance to hold my own baby and for her to know that her Mummy and Daddy want her and love her so much. I don’t know what the future holds for my boyfriend and me but I do know that if he intends to stay with me then he needs to grow up, take some responsibility and prove how much he loves me.
Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story with us…You obviously felt pressure to do what you did, and now feel negative emotions as a result – loss, guilt, regret, grief and anger. It sounds as if it’s a good time to seek post-abortion support and begin to work through some of these emotions which are still gnawing at you. Feeling the way you feel now, it’s could be said it’s surprising that you are still with your boyfriend but perhaps letting go of him isn’t a possibility when it cost you so much to hold onto him. Contact your nearest centre to ask about post-abortion support. Our programme – the Journey – helps you come to terms with the emotional aspects and enables you to move on in a healthier way than just hoping it’s all going to get better by itself in time.