I instantly knew that I was pregnant...
I saw my doctor the following week. I was still very confused. I really didn't know what to do. One minute she was referring me for antenatal care but I told her that I hadn't 100% committed to that. The next day I telephoned the doctor and asked her to refer me to BPAS. At least I could have a chat and get the options clear in my head. I also called careconfidential and spoke to a lovely lady.
I know they can't tell you what to do, but it just helps to explore all the avenues and ask yourself questions. Every time I tried to speak to my partner, it ended up in tears and me storming off to bed. All I wanted was love.
I decided to write a list of my options, something that, later on, if I have regrets and need reasons, I have something that I have done that may help me for reassurance. By writing this list, it became very clear that I just wouldn't have been able to cope with another child. I wanted 'quality' of life and to be able to give our boys a decent life and not have to say no to any School trips, days out or holidays - to spend more quality time with them as, in the last few weeks, I have been so sick that my life revolved around the settee and the toilet. It got to the stage that I couldn't even hold water down and I was so dehydrated, I just couldn't go on. I was so tired. I found it extremely difficult to act normally, especially at work. I spoke to some close friends who had also gone through this experience. All they kept telling me was to make sure that this was the right decision, it's your body. I had made my decision, I built a wall around my heart, cried, apologised over and over.
I had my procedure (sorry can't stand the A word) done this morning, I am still sore but now want to move on with my life. I never ever thought that I would be the one to have to go through with this. I didn’t think that I would be so stupid, but it happens 1 in 3 apparently and it's not something that you can do on your own! I had to write my story as I found it comforting in a way, knowing that they are other people out there like me, making the same decision. Take care. XXX
Editor’s note: Thank you for sharing your story…it sounds as if feeling so sick was an added pressure to you, as well as the circumstances that made the pregnancy seem so difficult. It’s not uncommon for women to struggle with the A word afterwards. This tells me, as well as what you say about a wall around your heart and apologising, that you may be deeply uncomfortable with the reality of what this experience means. It may be that now you feel that this decision must work for you, that you must keep this wall intact and carry the pain of it all alone. Many women find telling their story a relief – it might be helpful, when you are ready, to share your story with someone face to face at a centre, or on the helpline again or via Online Advisor.