I'd really been going through a tough time when I did the pregnancy test and it turned out to be positive.
I'd really been going through a tough time when I did the pregnancy test and it turned out to be positive. I was moving to another city and had a great new job lined up, a pregnancy was an unnecessary 'glitch in my plans'. My decision was not an easy one, but I promised myself always, seeing as I am an adopted child, that I would never bear my child for nine months and then simply give it away.
Financially I was unable to give a baby much of a future, and the man – well, he simply said that he was not interested, but it remained my choice. At one stage, with my mother’s support, I had decided to keep the baby. I told myself that I could do it - that we'd survive and be happy - my child and I...sometimes I still think so. But alas, thoughts of the almighty dollar and being a single mother, made me go to the clinic for an opinion on abortion. It took guts and some stern talking to by a very insightful and practical stepfather and my decision was made.
I made an appointment for an abortion the next week. There they make both options seem so easy - to have the baby or to have an abortion. I cried a lot. I cried more when she told me they abort up to five months - surely not... I was seven weeks pregnant at that stage. Days felt like months - I was never so scared of anything in my life. During this time, a friend who'd gone through the same hell had told me horror stories of how she heard crying babies in her dreams and cried for weeks after. Somehow I was convinced I may not survive the ordeal as I always wanted and loved children. For a Christian, its a lot harder to go through with this - and it broke my heart when a friend that had trouble conceiving for years, said that she and her husband would stand by me. After also giving me the option to let them adopt, of course.
The day of the abortion I managed to keep myself together because of my best friend and mother. (God only knows where her strength and courage came from). They lie to you at the clinic...they told me that it is all just a blob basically - that nothing had formed. I now know better; I now know that they are trained to lie. I was eight weeks and a few days. My biggest fear was that I would miscarry and be forced to see the remains as they came out of me. I begged the nurses not to let that happen - I would go insane!
The clinic in South Africa has wonderful staff and I commend them for their care, sensitivity and help. It can't be easy to do what they do every day. Six other abortions were scheduled for that day. I was talked to, calmed and the procedure was explained. It all sounded so simple really. One pill and then wait. Suction procedure. And when I swallowed that pill, I ended a precious, innocent life. I was taken into the 'room from hell' where the procedure was 'finalised. It hurt unlike anything I have ever experienced. I had the wonderful support of a nurse at my side who was simply there to comfort me, as well as a nurse undertaking the suction procedure who had the most beautiful and calming bedside manners. They are trained that way, I am sure. Yet it takes a special kind of person to be what they are doing what they do. It took about 15 minutes, it felt like hours. The nurse doing the procedure commented how strange it was that the remains were so few - I don't know why I remember that so vividly. The aftercare is good too, an injection is given for the pain and you are made to lie in a comfy chair with a snuggly duvet. I noticed many more chairs... I was ok...the pain was horrid, but I had survived Truth be told I was relieved. And I needed to know that my mum was all right - the woman who wanted grandchildren as much as I want to be a perfect size 10. I asked someone to call her...she cautiously walked into the room...her first words were: 'I'm so glad you're smiling, my child'...I didn't realise I was - it must have been her presence. The sense of knowing that even though we were somewhat scarred and different - we would be ok with it all, together. I love you mom.
My best friend arrived with make-up he had bought me, took me to have my hair done, no expense spared - a gay man's way of being the best friend any girl could ask for. I love you too. All this cost me nothing, it was all just so easy. It’s been a little over a year now. I read a book the other day I probably shouldn't have. A Christian girl was raped, became pregnant and refused an abortion. I thought I had healed....maybe I haven't... Maybe I never will completely. A few months ago, I had to give up a puppy (my replacement baby) and went through it all again. A great friend held me as I hysterically wept for my unborn baby and my puppy.
Things happen for a reason. I am now looking for my biological mother - I need to know how, after nine months of child bearing, you can just give your baby away...I may never get that answer. I don't really want children anymore - not yet anyway - and I turn 28 soon. I have a fear in me that God will punish me for what I have done...so that if I did want to get pregnant, something bad would happen to my baby. It may be unrealistic or sound silly - yet I believe it. I have always been good with children, my friends and parents have always said so. Children are gifts and precious, I will never again do what I did. I will go on and put it behind me, but would never stand by and let some one close to me go through what I did and still am.
In time, God may bless me with the opportunity to be a mum, or He may not. It will all work out all right...because it has to.
Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story…what a curious mix of thoughts and feelings you seem to be experiencing. You say it was all so easy; yet you are struggling with guilt and grief and sadness and loss. It sounds as if your head and your heart are still giving you conflicting messages and you’re not really making a lot of sense of them. One part of you supports the abortion; another doesn’t. It sounds to me as if you are hoping so desperately to make this the right decision, yet something deep down inside you is suffering as a result of the abortion…even to the point where you expect God to punish you. You can find post-abortion support, if you would like, through Options Pregnancy Centre PO Box 758, George, 6530. Tel: 0448-747414.
This story was sent in on 11/02/2009 and it's been viewed 1,122 times.