January 2007, I turned 18 years old. It was the moment I had waited for, for as long as I could remember.
One day, I went out with my cousin to meet her boyfriend. When we got to the house, I saw my other cousin and some other people I was kind of familiar with. My other cousin came up to me and told me he wanted me to meet someone. So I went with him. The guy in the room seemed pretty nice. It was him and another girl in the room. He talked to my cousin and me, then told my cousin to leave the room. Without hesitation my cousin left. I was so confused, but he kept talking to me. My cell phone rang, I answered, but the call was lost. I didn’t have much service. It rang again and that's when I knew I was in trouble.
The guy threw my phone across the room. By this time I couldn't leave because the other girl in the room put a kitchen knife into the door frame and barricaded the door. I was raped by him. I ran out scared, I knew he had a gun and had already threatened to shoot any who tried to break in. A month later, I found out I was pregnant. I didn't know what to do. My grandma told me she'd kick me out if I got pregnant, and my boyfriend told me to get an abortion.
Ever since I was little, I never understood why a woman would want to kill her own baby. There was so much going on in my head, I just went numb. I agreed to have the abortion. It literally felt like I was watching my life happen in front of me, and I was just watching. After the procedure, the doctor called me and told me that there had been a problem. She told me that my hormone levels had not gone down, and that there could be some remnants of the foetus. I was completely disgusted. I had to go to the hospital and get another procedure done. Not only that, but I had to stay overnight (my first time). It was a really bad experience.
Right now its two years later, I'm 20 years old. I’m still with my boyfriend, but my life is not the same. I am not the same person I used to be. I used to love going out and hanging out with friends but now I have no friends. All of my friends have gone out to college. I was in college, but much like everything else, I gave up. I have no job. I feel too helpless to do anything. I really don't know what messed me up so bad, or if it was the whole thing, but I really don't know what I can do. I feel like I'm so late in starting my life, and I know my time is running out, but I just don’t have any confidence in myself to do anything.
Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story with us…You have obviously been through a great deal of trauma, not only in terms of rape, but also in terms of having to go through an abortion when it is something that you’ve not been comfortable with. You don’t say anything about whether you’ve seen a counsellor with regard to your experiences – I suspect not, as you say you don’t really understand what has ‘messed you up’. It sounds as if your life is on hold, that it hasn’t really started, because you are in need of some healing before that can happen. You need some support to help you relate to these negative experiences in a healthy, positive way - a way that will enable you to become the person you are meant to be for the future. It would be good for you to be in touch with a service like CareConfidential where you are. If you are having trouble finding appropriate services, let us know.