I am 19 and a junior in college. I found out I was pregnant about three weeks ago by taking a at home pregnancy test.

By anonymous on 12/02/2009
I am 19 and a junior in college. I found out I was pregnant about three weeks ago by taking a at home pregnancy test. As I waited for the pregnancy results to show up, I was very nervous and about a minute later I saw the faint pink line show up. I was upset and in shock. I told my boyfriend who waited for me in the living room and, of course, he was not happy about it. But he supported me and said whatever I decided to do he would be there.

I made an appointment at my doctor's office where he confirmed that I was 6 1/2 weeks pregnant. I was not at all in shock. I had actually come to terms with the idea of being pregnant. But my boyfriend knew we had to weigh our options and make the best decision for the both of us. We talked about what we could possibly do if I had the baby a million times, it seems like. But ultimately it was my decision in the end. This was a very hard decision for me to make. I cried numerous days because I didn't want to get rid of my baby but now was not the right time for either one of us.

I called and made the appointment at the abortion clinic and they scheduled me for that next Monday so that left my boyfriend and me a full week to decide what we really wanted to do. I went back and forth in my mind so many times and even the day before I still hadn't made up my mind, although my boyfriend told me he wanted me to have it, but it was all my decision. On the morning of my abortion, I got up, had my shower and cried the entire time I was in there because I still was not sure. I struggled with ‘what will people think of me?’ I never wanted to be "that girl". Long story short, I went to the clinic, went through all the procedures of them taking blood, doing the ultrasound and so on. As it was coming up on my turn to go back, I was fighting back tears and I couldn't believe what I was doing. As I lay down on the table and waited as the nurse put the IV in my arm, I cried and cried and the nurse asked me if I was sure I wanted to do this. And honestly, no, I was not sure but I said ‘yes’.

The doctor walked in and announced his name but I can't remember because I was so emotionally torn at that point. It was very painful and I don't remember much but just wanting it all to be over. In the end I wish I hadn’t done what I did and I am suffering emotionally for it now.

Editor’s note: Thanks for writing your story…It’s clear that you had a deep ambivalence about having an abortion, but felt swept along by the circumstances surrounding your pregnancy that made it difficult. In other words, your head was saying one thing and your heart another, and now you feel the pain of it. Even though it’s early days for you right now, you can begin the process of healing by getting in touch with your nearest crisis pregnancy and post-abortion support centre and talking it through with someone who understands. You do not need to stay stuck in a place of pain and grief and regret. There is hope.

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