On 5th February 2009 I had a medical abortion at 19 weeks.
My boyfriend made it clear he did not want the child and my best friend said it wouldn’t be fair to bring the baby into the world when I can't afford to give it the perfect life I was always talking about before this happened. I was so confused and in so little time had to make my decision. On the first meeting at the hospital, a really kind nurse told me I was 18 weeks pregnant, at which point I burst into tears as it was so far gone, half way through pretty much. She told me to come back on the Monday after, so I had the weekend to consider my options a bit more. That weekend was a blur of tears, arguments and I decided it would be best to have the abortion; however, looking back it seems I was simply on autopilot to escape the whole "situation".
Monday 2nd February was a jumble of waiting, reading my magazine and blood tests. I was completely numb. On the Wednesday, my boyfriend and I arrived at the hospital early and waited in our area of the ward. I, and the girls on the beds surrounding me, seemed to be able to tell a story with just a look. We all looked terrified and upset; I felt less alone.
I had excruciating pains and had to have an injection to help the vomiting and tablets to numb the pain. As they were not enough, I had the gas and air by my bedside for the sharp pains. None of these could prepare me for glancing at my baby afterwards, whilst waiting for a nurse to come. I would not wish for that to happen to anybody.
Every night since, I have cried at almost everything. I regret the decision so much; I wish I still had my baby. I wish I could have told my Mum. I wish I would have just listened to my own heart on this decision, as now it is something which I’ll carry for the rest of my life. However, wishing will not help my life continue and unless a time machine appears then I cannot bring back my baby. So, I have to find a way to grieve for my lost child and do something to be proud of with my life now, continue to excel at my studies and continue to strive for my career. I have chosen this path, and the sadness which comes is my own fault. I will never forget my baby and will probably feel such a huge loss for the rest of my life, as it is a massive loss to me.
Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story with us…despite all the difficulties of your circumstances, you obviously bonded with your unborn baby. Other voices meant that the heart’s voice was not really heard and, in the end, you had to block your feelings and be numb in order to go through with it. Being on autopilot is just a way of coping with something we find painful. Now the pain of what you have been through is pouring out, isn’t it? And you’re not quite sure what to do with it except to cope some more by pushing yourself harder and accepting that it’ll always be a loss to you. If you work harder, you are saying, it might make it worth it. That’s not going to bring healing though; you may just become driven. Even though it’s early days, I want to encourage you to be in touch with your nearest centre and arrange an appointment to see someone. You can talk it through, share your loss, regrets and grief, work through the emotions in a positive way, find healing, and be better equipped for the future ahead of you. We’ll be thinking of you.