The first two weeks after the abortion were a horror of emotionsBy anonymous on 24/02/2009
Hi. I had an abortion. It's been two months now. I was a bit more than thirteen weeks pregnant.
I already wrote my story on this page two weeks after my abortion.
2 months after the abortion the feelings still come and go
In these two months now, thinking of the recovery time I had, I can say it goes and comes, the feelings of guilt and regret or anger and despair.
The two weeks following the abortion
The first two weeks soon after the abortion seemed to be a horror of these emotions flowing through the mind.
The crying never stopped.
Nightmares every night.
Pictures of the foetus in the womb.
It's heartbeat in the GP’s room.
The father of the baby staying next to my bed in the hospital just before I was to go through with the operation saying: 'Let's go home. Don't do it'.
My desperate look at him thinking: 'This is how you wanna keep me. You don't actually think about me but about you having your life settled with me and using this pregnancy'.
The nurse coming in the room saying: 'Come with me, we need to put in a pill before the operation'.
Him saying to her: 'We have not decided yet.'
Her being confused.
Me being angry at him for not making it easy for me.
Me following her.
The brains shut down.
And then the operation.
The silence after it.
Leaving the hospital with no specific feelings. Fear, anger, slow breathing, hungry, relieved, restless.
The next day bursting out in tears.
And so on...
Then things got better - until the anxiety came
Two weeks of horror following the abortion. After that things got very strangely better. I suddenly wasn't thinking and crying about it so much. I was watching movies, laughing, being happy not to have the nightmares anymore.
He was with me all that time.
Two weeks after this good period, the anxiety came.
Looking for reasons to make me calm down.
Problems falling asleep.
Nightmares coming back.
But not of babies or pregnancies anymore, but death, life and fear of death.
Being unable to think about death with a normal understanding of the process.
Talking to friends about my abortion to get convinced I did it right, that it was not that bad, I am still worth something.
Going back to the day, the procedure, the regular negative memories.
The GP noticed I looked tired & stressed but I was ashamed to admit I regretted the abortion
In this time the check-up happened. It is very interesting how a talk to the GP about it can make you feel better when he says there is nothing wrong with you, all healed nicely. But he noticed I look tired, stressed. I was ashamed to admit I regretted it. Instead my foot hurt me badly.
When the check up was done, all the hospital connection to it was done too.
The anxiety brought me to a never-before-experienced fear and physical pain of certain kind: heavy hands, feet, lags, no light around, covering myself and thinking in solitude all the things again and again.
Sometimes crying, sometimes being just motionless and looking sad.
After some sleep the difficulties seemed smaller
Till one night we call a doctor to give me something to make me sleep. That was two weeks ago. That helped. When the brain is rested the difficulties look smaller.
Now is two weeks since the doctor and two months since the abortion. How do I feel about it? I think that talking to people helps a lot. In my country we don't have counselling particularly about it or hotlines or support groups.
Unfortunately, if I went to a psychologist I need to pay. At the moment I cannot afford it.
But I talked to friends, to the father of the baby, to people that know people who've been there. It helps enormously.
But in time they want to see you better. And deep inside you are still living with the wound and don't wanna put yourself on someone's shoulders. So you stop discussing it so often.
I wish I had been 5 or 6 weeks pregnant instead of almost 14 weeks
I believe it needs to be done inside the person. I still feel regret. But I think what makes me so depressed is that I did it while being so pregnant, almost 14 weeks. It is fully formed at that stage. So that haunts me a big time.
I don't think I made the wrong choice. I made the wrong choice in the stage I was. I wish I was 5, 6 weeks pregnant and not 14. I think it would make a difference to me.
And however selfish it sounds to others I never wanted to give it away. So there was the abortion left. Just I waited so long...
I am sad as many others and also I expect another rollercoaster to start. But I have my reasons and I keep reminding myself. We need to have a reason, otherwise we sink.
There are two sides to abortion: emotional and reasonable
There are these two ways of looking at an abortion: the emotional side and the reasonable side.
The emotional side in every woman will not let her accept the abortion as an option. That is why we will always regret from the 'heart' point of view. The female point of view.
But the reasonable point needs to be accepted as well. And here we are all who have done it and decided, we need not to neglect it but remind us that the reasons are also of a value.
Our human life is more complex than those of the animals. We should keep that power of the mind for the recovery. The emotional side can't heal us. So stick to what you know was best for you.
If the emotional and reasonable side don't match we will have difficulties to decide but at the end we must. That is what I did.
From the 'heart' point of view I'll always struggle as all of you. Women can't deny this. But stay reasonable too, especially when it is done.
Good luck to you all and talk to someone that is close friend and can listen!
Things seem to tend to get better.
I hope so.
Thank you for writing your story for us…
You are absolutely right to say that there is the reasonable side – the head – and the emotional side – the heart.
The heart is about your conscience, your beliefs and your instinct. When these are buried or cut off from our rational minds, and our values are ignored because the circumstances of the pregnancy are not good, then negative emotions result – anger, regret, guilt, shame, loss, grief.
When making a decision, it’s best to take every part of us into account, not just one part.
Circumstances can always change – we adapt - but it’s very difficult for hearts to heal.
You have obviously suffered and I suggest that you find some post-abortion support if you can.