I had a surgical abortion on the 21st Feb. A week today
The worst part of the first appointment at clinic is the scan. You don’t see anything but it’s the fact that you know why baby is on the screen and its tiny little heart beat would have been beating. They made a date for my abortion for four days later. As I was quite far gone I had to be put under general anaesthetic, which I was worried out. The day I arrived at medical clinic at 7.40am, my boyfriend and I sat down until reception opened at 7.50am. Every girl went to the reception and handed their notes in. I went to the back of the line as I was so nervous.
Eventually the women that were having general anaesthetic (including me) got sent to this tiny little ward were they took a finger prick. I had to get into the gown and put a sanitary towel on. The nurse came around to give me three little tablets which opened the cervix up. At this point the nurse said to me that once I took these, there will be no turning back. With doubt in my head, I took them, knowing that my boyfriend was waiting for me and once I got out it would all be ok.
Once the cramps and the sickness kicked in, I didn’t know what to do. I lay down and rested and watched TV to take my mind off what I was about to have done. Finally, 11.45am: The doctor came into me, checked my details and away we walked into the theatre room. I lay down on the bed they had ready. Another doctor spoke to me while the first doctor put the Venflon in my right hand. I can remember the first doctor telling me everything will be ok and he will see me after I wake up. Next thing I know I woke up in the recovery room with the nurses calling my name. At that point you don’t feel anything for 5-10 minutes while you’re coming around.
I lay there thinking about getting home and getting to bed, not the fact my little baby was no longer in my tummy. After I had come around about half hour later, I was taken back down to the first room and the first bed I was in. I lay there feeling like I wanted to just curl up and go to sleep. I couldn't smile; I couldn't show any emotion while it was clicking in that that was it. I lay down for an hour. Nurses told me to go the toilet to see how I felt. As I walked back the tummy cramps started. I got back into the bed and lay there just wanting a hug off my boyfriend, feeling so alone. This was about 1.15pm; nurses came over and said I would be out by 2.30pm-ish. I had a cup of tea and some biscuits. Then I slowly got dressed. I went and had the Venflon taken out and I got given some antibiotics. I was free to go.
I walked out into reception to see my boyfriend sitting there waiting for me. He grabbed my bag and helped me to the car. On the journey back home I felt fine, I was laughing and joking, with just slight cramps. I finally got home. I got straight on the settee and fell asleep. I woke up later that night and felt rough.
It is a week today I had my abortion. I'm feeling like crap. I feel hatred towards my parents for no known reasons. I feel like I’m pushing my boyfriend away as he doesn't understand why my feelings are all over the place at the moment. My trust level in everyone has gone down. I've started having feelings of regret. I'm just waking up in the morning and wanting to turn back over and go to sleep and wake up the following day. I seem to be feeling more down every day. My post op check is in two weeks.
I am sorry if I have gone in too much into detail but for someone that is having this done at least they know roughly what to expect. To anyone that is having an abortion and is in the decision making of it all, please think very carefully. I know I did it for good reasons, not just for me but for the baby. I am unemployed at the moment and my boyfriend and I have only been going out for four months. I could not have supported a baby right now. But then right now I feel the opposite. In the back of my mind, it was the right thing but our brains can fit more than one feeling in there at a time. Remember that.
Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story with us…As with many who have found abortion a disturbing experience, there is a need to relate all the details sometimes over and over again. That’s OK – it’s natural.
You had all the ‘right’ reasons to choose an abortion – circumstances can be powerful dictators, can’t they? Yet somehow, our hearts don’t seem to think the same way. Something deeper can surface after an abortion and often surprises us – feelings of loss, guilt and regret. Your other emotional symptoms – rejection, wanting to hibernate, inability to trust – are not uncommon. Your head was saying one thing, but your heart is saying something else. It’s from your heart that this pain you feel is surfacing and you seem to be hoping that more logic about your circumstances will take the pain away. In reality, you probably need to process what has really happened and have the opportunity to acknowledge these deeper feelings for what they are. Please contact your nearest centre for some immediate support.