I became pregnant at the very start of a relationship with someone just breaking up from his ex

By anonymous on 03/03/2009
I became pregnant at the very start of a relationship with someone just breaking up from his ex, with kids, access visits and houses to divide etc. The potential of his relationship with me emerging, if my pregnancy progressed, and destroying his future with his kids drove us to make the decision to terminate the pregnancy, despite us both feeling strongly for each other and our relationship’s future. We are still together but rarely discuss our decision.

I find it especially difficult as I struggled for years to become pregnant with my existing children and also know the pain and upset of miscarriage. It is four weeks now until when the baby would have been due and I struggle daily to maintain my sanity in fear of how I may feel. Part of me thinks I may feel liberated by the end of this period of 'when I would've been pregnant.' and hope that, with support, I can accept this was all wrong at this time in my life.

I read with interest the story of the young woman who became pregnant intentionally after her termination in August (same day as mine in 2008) and can actually completely relate to how she made that choice as sometimes, when my period is late, I feel a sense of release from the torment and guilt knowing that, if I did become pregnant now, I could keep it and be released from this pain. It probably isn’t just that simple I’d imagine, mind you. Having forums like this does help because no one really understands unless they have been there. And although friends are close it’s still a very difficult subject for many to relate to or discuss with you. So in essence...we’re kind of alone in this all. Thanks for this...just helped to write a bit today. April 5th is due day…wish me luck until then xxx

Editor’s note: thank you for having the courage to write in…What I notice about your story is that you made a very ‘sensible’ decision, given the circumstances you were under, but you did not anticipate the deeper effects of an abortion. Both of you seem to have tucked it away privately, yet you seem a little haunted by it, hoping that you’ll be able to rationalise away these deeper feelings and get on with things once the dreaded anniversary has passed. Anniversary dates are indeed an important milestone.

It’s not uncommon for women to want to have another baby straight away. One aspect of this is the need to lessen the sense of loss; the other is to somehow relieve the sense of guilt by ‘doing it right this time’. The whole experience can be extremely isolating, and many women feel as if their real selves are hidden behind a wall of secret feelings that no one else understands. In fact the opposite is true, as you have learned from this website. Many women share and understand these feelings. It feels like it’s time for you to come out from behind that wall and seek some post-abortion support that will help you find recovery and healing. Please contact your nearest centre and make an appointment as the second step on your journey. The first step is writing on this website…we’ll be thinking of you.

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