When I was 16, I dated a manipulative mentally abusive boyfriend.
When I was 16, I dated a manipulative mentally abusive boyfriend. In December when I was 17, I found out I was pregnant. My boyfriend decided that I should have an abortion and at first I went along with it, going to the first appointment to arrange the second one. It was after this that I decided I wanted it. I knew he’d been cheating on me but I thought I could manage. However, I made the mistake of not cancelling the appointment.
The day came and my boyfriend drove me two hours to the clinic with his mother. She was more forceful than him, telling me it was for my own good and that I had better do it. He began his mind games and told me that if I didn’t, he would break up with me. Being a naive child, I went along with it.
I had a surgical termination and went under general anaesthetic. I remember entering the room, lying on the bed and having the needle. The next thing, I woke up on a chair, had something to eat and was told I could go. The nurses were very harsh with me and the others. This was the NHS. There was a woman crying saying over and over again that she had to do it and the nurses were shouting at her to shut up and not be so silly.
I was surprised at how painless it was. I did bleed a little and felt tired and uncomfortable. After a few days I couldn’t stop crying hysterically and I didn’t know why. I was told I had post natal depression but wasn’t given anything for it. My boyfriend dumped me anyway.
Back to the present: I have been with my boyfriend for two years and am in my second year of university. I found out I was pregnant and was confused as I promised myself I would never have an abortion again but I also said that I would have a stable home and job. I would have to leave uni and I was scared. My boyfriend desperately wanted the baby. I knew he’d be a good father and that it may sort him out but that’s no excuse to bring a baby into the world. It wasn’t a good enough reason for me and I felt I still was not ready so I opted for a medical abortion.
Before I took the first pill I asked him if he was sure, hoping that he would say no but he didn’t and I took it. I knew it was the wrong thing to do as I could possibly support the baby but I’d taken the pill, it was too late. I went back the next day and took the second lot. They said it will take an effect in 2-4 hours but for me it was 10 minutes. I ran to the toilet with extreme diarrhoea, then was sick then bled a lot. Unlike some stories I never looked at the clots and I’m glad. I thought it would hurt more but the pain did subside and felt like a super bad period. Within five minutes I would have to change the pad.
I had another symptom that they didn’t tell me about: my nipples were burning. it felt like they were on fire. I’ve heard that some woman lactate because of the hormones. That was over two weeks ago and I’m still bleeding. I thought about my decision logically and thought it was the best decision though I do feel regret, and guilt but mainly I feel empty. I can’t describe it. I just feel like physically and mentally something’s gone.
I think it’s had damaging results on my relationship and I am worried if it will be the same again. I know my boyfriend resents me for it. Having been through both a medical and surgical termination I would by far suggest the surgical. I thought the medical would be more natural and the process would help me but it didn’t and I’m still in pain now. With the surgical it’s over very quickly and really didn’t hurt that much.
But more importantly I believe you should know that there are people that care. From the moment I knew I was pregnant. Everyone was telling me to get rid of it, the counsellors, the doctor, the nurses. I had no one telling me it is ok for me to have it. I can do it and there are people that would help. If there was just one person that said to me you can have this baby, you can do it and there are people that will help, support you and give you advice, I would have said ok. I don’t regret my first abortion In fact, I’m so grateful because I would have a permanent attachment to the human version of satan. Maybe one day I will tell myself, you know what? You did the right thing but for now I still question it. (I would also like to thank others who have posted their stories, you have no idea how much it has helped me.)
Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story…All three solutions – parenting, adoption, abortion – involve a cost. Whilst abortion seems to promise a return to the way things were before, it’s not the case. It is a profound experience that affects us at all levels. Yes, it makes logical sense not to pursue pregnancy in many cases, but it seems there is always another cost at a deeper level, one which is often unexpected and usually in the form of loss, grief, guilt and regret. If you ever feel you need some support for your experiences, then please get in touch.