Having just separated from our spouses, two months later we found out I was pregnant.By anonymous on 15/03/2009
Having just separated from our spouses, two months later we found out I was pregnant. We had been in a relationship for 18 months at this stage. 1. I was shocked that it had happened to me, and 2. I didn't know what to do or how to cope, mainly with everyone else’s reaction. As my partner did not express any thoughts or views immediately, I automatically thought he didn't want the baby. There was silence for days. I sometimes wish my partner would have (at the time) taken me to a counsellor (as I think your hormonal levels are unstable) or someone could have talked to me at that critical moment. Instead, all I remember was fighting about ‘who was going to take the baby and who wasn't going to have the baby and whose baby it was' and our ex's ......etc. I remember organising everything within a week and thinking, ‘As soon as this is over, no one is going to fight about whose baby it was going to be then!’ But, ten months since the actual abortion, I have no words to describe how I feel. I wish I had not felt pressure because I thought I wouldn't be able to cope with what other people would think, and because of the situation that I felt I was faced with and couldn't cope. Now the only thing I think about is why I did not protect the rights of my unborn baby. It is too late now, the surgical process is so horrible - like something being ripped out of you, a memory that will live and haunt you (I think forever). I have read one book which I was recommended by an advisor and found another one on Amazon. From what I can see from other women's experiences, this is a lifetime experience that will not go away, no matter what you think or what people may advise you - the initial decision is easy, the next step whizzes by, BUT, then comes the confusion, guilt, pain, depression, overwhelming loss, grief, sorrow and you long to turn back the clock. I think a lot of stories are similar. Most women who have been here wish for their baby back, wish for another baby to take the pain away. I believe those feelings will never ever go away - they may become easier, but I don't think there is anywhere in your mind that you will be able to forget what you have done and what you should have done. I think my partner wishes to deal with things his way, whereas I just started 'The Journey'. He feels he has his own way of coping (he is a psychotherapist). I was a trainer counsellor, so sometimes I think that a rash decision in life is initially easy, but the life long consequences will remain. They may lessen but can't be erased. I would like to encourage anyone who reads my story, if you are even contemplating abortion, please don't, and go speak to someone professional/independent to get help/advice on what to do next as soon as possible. Don't be rash or go into automatic pilot. The pain you will go through is not worth it! The joy I think you will receive from a new life is probably invaluable in comparison to this burden you will bear. Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story with us…All the symptoms you describe are recognised by many women after abortion – confusion, guilt, pain, depression, overwhelming loss, grief, sorrow, the wish for a replacement baby, the desire to go back to where things were before, the inability to forget, the preoccupation, the emptiness. Faced with difficult circumstances, many women choose abortion without really having the chance to think it through. ‘Counselling’ from abortion providers often consists of just being asked if we’re ‘sure’, and often we think we are because of the circumstances we’re in, but the ‘counselling’ doesn’t go any deeper - to the heart issues of conscience, instinct and beliefs. Not enough time is given to help a woman make an informed decision. Every woman has the right to know about all the options available; she has the right to explore her feelings and beliefs with as much time as she needs, and to make a decision that isn’t based on fear, panic or pressure from someone else. The opportunity for this is not given in 15 minute appointments. Many women are already in denial about what’s really involved, but go ahead, only to wonder where all the pain comes from afterwards. For you, you acknowledge the pain and are starting on the Journey of recovery. It’s not an easy journey, but you will come to a place of being able to relate to this experience healthily, forgive yourself, allow your wound to heal and learn to remember your loss in a better way. There is hope for you. We’ll be thinking of you.