I still think of the abortion every day.

By anonymous on 16/03/2009
I still think of the abortion every day. I regret it and feel as my life will never be the same; I will never be the same. I chose to have the abortion myself; I was the one who decided. I was three months already and I didn't know I would suffer from depression. When I was asked if I wanted the abortion, I answered ‘yes’. I said that this was the first thing I thought of when I found out I was pregnant. I said yes, because I was scared.

I knew I couldn't have the baby, but I was considering adoption deep inside. No-one asked me what I thought of adoption and no-one told me I might get severely depressed after an abortion. They said I would be emotionally down for week or so. But the week went by and the next and the next and my feelings of making the wrong choice for myself are still present. Can I blame someone? And whose mistake is bigger? Mine for not being courageous enough or theirs for not knowing how to treat me as a pregnant woman and making it possible for me to place the baby for adoption? Because adoption was possible. I considered it in my mind. But they said the abortion was not going to be dangerous, it’s done all the time.

I will never be the same. I am thinking that even with the journey of recovery what we will achieve is to accept it and move on. But we can't be the same. It is such a big scar.

Editor’s note: Thanks for writing in…It sounds as if you were under pressure from difficult circumstances and knew you could not keep the baby, but you were not properly informed about all the options open to you. You were not given time to explore your deepest feelings about the pregnancy. It sounds as if you were deeply ambivalent about an abortion and if you had known about the potential psychological effects, you would not have gone through with it.

Now you are in pain; your heart’s feelings are surfacing and dominating your life. Your heart needs attention; some compassionate care. I think you are struggling with guilt and the sense of ‘what might have been’. You may even be angry about the lack of care you received.

However, there is hope. There is a Journey of recovery you can walk with the help of an advisor from your nearest centre. Make an appointment if you haven’t already. Yes, you do have to work through emotions; look at who was responsible, forgive, accept and let go. Yes, it’s hard emotional work, and, yes, you are forever changed by this experience, but that doesn’t mean your life is no longer worth living. You can be healed and become more of who you are meant to be in time. Be brave; we’ll be thinking of you.

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