The day I 'terminated' my baby is the day my life changed forever.

By anonymous on 26/03/2009
The day I 'terminated' my baby is the day my life changed forever. I have three beautiful children and whenever I say that to people, I always feel a lump in my throat as I so want to say 'four'.

When I look back (four years ago now), I see so clearly the huge mistake my husband and I made but it is so weird that at the time you just don't see it. Maybe your mind is fogged with sickness, financial worries, or lots of other 'reasons' that seem so acceptable at the time. As soon as I woke from the anaesthetic I cried and cried, not from relief but from regret. The pain I felt emotionally was like I had never felt before and it hit me right at that moment, but it was too late, my baby had gone. I carried on, though, to the outside as if nothing had happened, but it really doesn't take all that long for the effects to surface one way or another. My husband tried to understand but kept saying I needed to move on, 'we have three beautiful children', and I would say 'yes, but we should have four'.

I've had counselling and it has helped and would really like to help anyone who was in my position. I read through the stories often to see if there is anyone in a similar situation to myself, a happily married mum who has made the same heartbreaking mistake. If I had been offered counselling before I know by talking it through properly with someone who understood I'd have changed my mind. I get very angry when I hear that no counselling has been offered and in my case, because I had three children already, it was presumed I knew what I wanted.

Although I will never be the same I think it has made me more understanding with everything in life and it has made me more forgiving. Although I cannot turn the clock back and I will never ever forget a second of that day, I do hope down the line somewhere I can help someone who needs emotional support and guidance in the hardest decision they will ever have to make. Please, please to anyone who is not sure; do make sure you speak to someone who is aware of the devastating reality it can make to your life afterwards.

Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story with us…Yes, it is weird, isn’t it, that you just don’t see it when you’re in a crisis pregnancy situation. The reasons do seem so acceptable and urgent, yet afterwards the regret is somehow more real than the reasons for having one ever were. Thank you for putting words to that aspect of a crisis - I'm sure many share that experience.

Counselling should help you explore every aspect of your responses to a crisis pregnancy – both head response and heart response. It’s so easy to succumb to powerful circumstances and not really hear the message of the heart, which is equally important, if not more so. Exploring all the options factually and having time to understand what’s involved both physically and emotionally means you make an informed decision, not one based on fear or panic. It’s good to hear you have had counselling and have benefited from it. It may be that your story will make a very real difference to someone in a similar situation – thank you for sharing it.

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