I welcomed this man into my life and the lives of my children.
I had an early medical termination on the 23rd February 2009. I was six weeks pregnant with my then boyfriend's baby. We had first met on the 11th January 2009. Our relationship moved very quickly and he declared he loved me, we planned a future together, he met my three children, everything was perfect or so I thought. I welcomed this man into my life and the lives of my children. I really did believe he loved me. Then when I found out I was pregnant, it all changed.
Initially he was sending me texts saying it would all be ok, then by the evening he was saying he didn't want to see me or talk to me. He did come over that night and basically told me that I was to have an abortion. When I said I might want to keep the baby, he flipped and stormed out. I calmed him down but he would only listen to one view, his own. Over the week or so the relationship was up and down. He convinced me that for the good of our relationship, I had to have an abortion. He had said he would kill himself if I stayed pregnant. I was scared by his moods. He was nice one minute and then cruel the next, nothing violent, just words, the way he said things.
I eventually agreed to go to the GP. He came with me and sat there playing the concerned boyfriend, kept reassuring me it was for the good of our future and our children's. He already had a 14 year old son from a previous relationship. To cut a long story short, I went ahead and had an early medical abortion. On the 23rd February, he came with me to both clinic appointments. He stayed at my house that night and took the children to school in the morning. By the afternoon, when he brought the children home, he announced he didn't want to be here and walked out.
That was the day after my termination. I was confused, bewildered and hurt. Here I was, going through a termination in the belief that I would have a relationship with this man and he was walking out on me. Our relationship did break down. He was cruel and callous. He made sure I had the termination before he left me. My children were hurt; they had grown to like him. Since then, there have been a few texts here and there, but he has wiped me out of his life as if I never existed and I am left alone to mourn for my baby's life, a life that he wanted me to end. He is fine, carrying on as normal. Interestingly, he did contact me on both occasions when I had post-procedure appointments, wanting to check I was ok. However, last night he got particularly hostile and nasty, I cannot understand why. I believe he will never truly be happy. He is too self-centred. Ironically, he works in child protection but in my eyes he has no regard for children. I will move on, time will heal me, but I never want another woman to fall victim to this man. He is back on the internet dating site where I met him. It’s like nothing ever happened.
Editor’s note: Thanks for writing in….Sadly, it seems that often women agree to coerced and unwanted abortions when what they really want is lasting and committed support from the father to establish and maintain a family. This is, I’m sure, an ancient story, but a sad one nevertheless. Your trust levels must have gone right down after this damaging experience – and your self-protection levels right up. You sound quite resilient and resigned to it all, but you may be angry underneath and hurt by the abandonment and disregard for you, your children and your pregnancy. You might need a safe place just to process what you’ve been through in so short a time – let off steam, grieve, feel the pain of your loss and express your heart freely. If you would like to have that safe place, where you can begin to recover and find ways of relating to this experience in a healthy way, then get in touch with your nearest centre. We’ll be thinking of you.