Four weeks on and my life’s a mess...

By anonymous on 09/04/2009
I found out i was pregnant just at the end of January 2009. It was a Sunday afternoon and my dad was in the kitchen cooking dinner. I knew I was late for my period so I got in the car and went to pick up a pregnancy test from our local supermarket. I got home and went straight up stairs and did the test. The test said to leave for three minutes. I looked at my test and there it was - the line saying it was positive. My body just went into melt down - 18 and pregnant. I cried and cried in the bathroom until my dad shouted that dinner was ready. I pulled myself together and went downstairs. All the family was round, so it made it harder to sit there and smile and make out everything was ok. The day after, I called my partner to tell him I was pregnant. "Is it mine?" was all he could ask, and then he started saying that he didn’t want anything to do with it. I haven’t heard from him since then. I just sat and sobbed when I put the phone down and then my phone rang again. It was my mum.

She knew there was something wrong so I told her I was pregnant. My mum and I have always been close and I knew if anyone would have supported me then my mum was the person. How wrong I was. The day after, I was booked into the doctor’s to see about an abortion. My mum pleaded with me to have the abortion. I agreed to go to the doctor’s just to make an appointment to go to the clinic, knowing I would still have time to change my mind.

The doctor got me into a clinic just a week later. I was nine weeks when I saw the doctor and the nurse booked me in for a surgical termination a few weeks later. I looked all over the internet finding out as much as I could about abortion and what it involves. It suddenly hit me it’s not just a stick saying I was positive and a routine check at the doctor’s - this was a life living inside me, developing all the time. I wanted to keep my baby.

The day after, I got appointments with different people who offered advice on pregnancy and in my head I wrote a list of all the possible things that could happen like my dad kicking me out the house. I came back with a lot of information and I knew I had to work my ass off and provide for my baby. So that was it my decision... I’m going to keep my baby.

That night I phoned my mum and told her I was going to cancel my appointment at the clinic and I was going to have my baby. She went crazy on the phone and I put the phone down on her. Ten minutes later, my dad shouted at me from downstairs. I went down and I couldn’t believe my mum had rung him. My mum told my dad everything and they decided I was going to have the abortion. My dad took my phone and laptop off me and took the week off work so he could make sure I stayed in. He phoned my work to say I was ill and would not be in till next week. I couldn’t contact anybody and my parents wouldn’t listen.

The day of the abortion I got taken to the clinic by my dad and my mum stayed with me. I just wanted someone to help me. The nurse said I had a long wait as I was the last one to book in. I sat on a bed and just lay thinking. The next thing I knew the nurse was putting two tablets inside me. An hour later a guy came to fetch me to take me for my operation. The nurse put the needle into me and the next thing I knew I was in recovery. That was it. My baby wasn’t there any more. My baby had gone. As soon as I came round, I cried my eyes out and I screamed for my baby. They took me back to the ward where my mum was waiting for me. I told her not to come near me. That night I got taken home. I went straight to bed and cried myself to sleep.

Four weeks on and my life’s a mess. I cry myself to sleep every night. I have nightmares of a child screaming for me to help them...I have no idea where this child is, but the screams get louder and I panic. I wake up and just cry. I have this dream every night. I thought I was doing the right thing telling my mum and I was wrong. The one person who was supposed to have protected me has made me feel this amount of pain, this amount of loss. I feel empty inside everyday. I got sacked from work because I wasn't turning up. I don’t leave the house any more. My mum comes round to see me and it hurts me more because her life is the same as it was four weeks ago but mine is ruined. She can walk around as if everything is ok because it was not my mum who lay on the table while they took away my baby, it was ME! If I see a baby, a child, a dad and his son playing football, I just break down.

I feel so much guilt. I was supposed to have protected my baby and kept it from harm. Having an abortion was the worst thing I have ever done and I am paying for it now. I could have been a great mum. I would have worked my ass off to make sure my baby didn’t go without and now my baby's been taken away. Please, if you’re thinking of having an abortion please make sure it is your decision and don’t get forced into doing anything. It is your baby's life. The dreams I have scare the hell out of me and now I find it really hard to sleep. Every time i close my eyes I have that dream. It seems my life will never be the same. I lost a part of me the day I had my abortion. Think before you agree to having an abortion. Please.

Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story with us…It’s clear that you knew what you wanted despite the practical difficulties of having a baby. The coercion you experienced from your parents, and the sense of having to do something you didn’t want to do, has led to the strong emotional reaction you are now having – the loss, grief, anger, and guilt. You’ve lost your ability to carry on in your normal routine; you’re having bad dreams, you are reminded of it all every time you see another child with its parents – all these things speak of the fact that your heart is in pain. Please contact your nearest centre and make an appointment to see someone. It’s a safe place to share your story and begin to understand why you are in pain and how you can come through this. We’ll be thinking of you.

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