Even though I knew deep down it was not what I wanted, I still went through with it...

By anonymous on 09/04/2009
I had an abortion last February and it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I hadn't been with my boyfriend for very long when I found out I was four weeks pregnant. When I told him I was pregnant he said that we hadn't been together long enough, we had no money and he wasn't ready for a baby and thought that abortion would be best. I was shocked at this because he once told me he didn't believe in abortion. He told me that he wanted the baby but just couldn't have it. I was so confused because he was saying that our relationship would be better without a baby, so in the end I just couldn't do that to him. I didn't want him to resent me if I kept it and also I began to think our relationship would be better without a baby too. I thought we would be together for a very long time and could really see a future for us, I loved him so much.

So in the end I chose the relationship over my baby, even though I started to get major feelings for my baby. Even though I knew deep down it was not what I wanted, I still went through with it. While I was pregnant I kept saying to him, ‘we will definitely be ok, won’t we, because I’m doing this for us’, and he kept saying, ‘yeah, of course we will’. I even phoned him the morning I went into hospital, crying because I was so confused and didn't want to go through with it but he told me everything would be ok. He didn’t come with me to the hospital and when I came home afterwards all I got was a text asking if I was ok.

I went over his house two days a later and he didn't ask me one question about what happened ,nothing. Two days later I went onto facebook and his relationship status was now single. He had actually finished with me on the computer. He said he didn't want a relationship anymore that he just wanted to be single. However, three weeks later, he meets someone else and starts a relationship with her. And then I found out that he was planning on finishing with me the whole time. He was just keeping me sweet until I had the abortion. I got abuse from his girlfriend saying that millions of women go through abortions so why am I so upset and that I’m feeling sorry for myself. I’ve had to sit back and watch while he goes out, having fun with not a care in the world.

I got very depressed afterwards and I got put on anti-depressants and I see a counsellor. Last summer I took an overdose and ended up in hospital and now I see a psychiatrist as well. I blame myself because although he lied to me, I knew it was the wrong thing to do but I didn’t listen to myself. I listened to him and what he wanted. I feel so guilty and selfish because I chose our relationship instead of my baby. It’s been over a year now and the pain still hasn’t gone, if anything it has got worse. And I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve had to give up my job because of my depression and I cry myself to sleep every night wishing I could have my baby back. If anyone is reading this and their thinking of having an abortion, please please make sure you’re doing it because it’s what you want. Don’t listen to anyone else because it’s your decision. My friends all told me that but I didn’t listen to them and now I feel like my life is ruined. I just hope one day the hurt and pain goes away, but then I think I deserve to be in this pain for what did. I never ever thought having an abortion would hurt this much.

Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story with us…you already know that you were going against what your instinct, conscience and beliefs were telling you deep down in your heart, yet the pressure of your circumstances and your hope that the relationship would stay intact persuaded you to end the pregnancy. Now you feel abandoned, guilty, ashamed, angry, grief-stricken and depressed as a result – and what’s more, you are stuck in this place and can’t seem to get out of it. I don’t know what counselling or psychiatric help you’ve received, but it may help you to receive focused support to help you face what has happened, and enable you to work through your anger, grief and guilt coming from your heart. All these emotions are messages trying to tell you that you have been hurt and need some loving care and attention. Visit or call your nearest pregnancy support centre and ask about our post-abortion recovery programme called The Journey. It’s time for you to come out from behind this wall of depression and loneliness. We’ll be thinking of you.

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