I'm 38, married with children aged 11 and 13, and got pregnant through having an affair.
Anyway, one day, quite unexpectedly I met a wonderful man who is divorced, through work. The problem is that this man lives hundreds of miles away from me and I get to see him every 6-8 weeks. After one of our weekends away I discovered I was pregnant which was a complete shock. I had never thought of having anymore children, and at my age I thought that the chances of getting pregnant whilst on the pill would be nil. After a week of finding out I told the father. He was supportive, but only in that I should get an abortion.
He told me that he loves me and only wants the best for me and that it was all too complicated with me being married and the distance that we live apart. He said that I had no choice and that I had to do it. I had to accept that it was not meant to be. I love the children I have with all my heart and this pregnancy was no different to me, just because it wasn't planned and not convenient. However, my situation is difficult as I have only been in the town where I live for two years, and have no close friends and family nearby. If I had, there is no way I would have ever considered a termination. The thought of being totally alone being pregnant, giving birth, and raising a child as a single parent with no support, frightened and panicked me. I prayed every night that the man I loved would change his mind and want to look after us. He didn't though, and I ended up having a medical termination at seven weeks.
The week before, I had attempted to have the surgical procedure but as soon as I got on the table I panicked and couldn't go through with it. I felt there was no way I would let them butcher me or my baby. The medical procedure at least enabled me to go through it in my own home with no one actually touching me. That was two months ago now and every day I grieve for my lost child. I am in constant tears and my heart feels as if it’s been ripped in two. My relationship with my husband is getting worse and he has no idea about what's happened. I feel depressed and alone. I am still seeing the father of my child and he tells me it’s all in he past now and we should put our experience behind us. I can't though. I feel worthless and cowardly. I can never replace my lost child but even though this sounds like madness, all I can think of is getting pregnant again so that I can at least try and put right my wrong, even if it means doing it totally alone.
Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story with us…What you are feeling is not uncommon after an abortion – you are not alone. Many women feel the same regret, sense of loss and guilt as you do. They often feel tearful and inconsolable, and have a great desire to replace the lost pregnancy with another one. It’s even more difficult for you in that not only is it something you didn’t want to do, but it is also a secret and you are carrying the burden of that more or less alone.
It sounds as if you were under pressure from your very difficult circumstances, yet you were also experiencing the instinctive feelings to protect and nurture your pregnancy very strongly. There was a split between your head and your heart – and now your heart is feeling all the pain of your decision. It’s impossible just to put it behind you. What you need now is time and space to express, work through and resolve these deeper feelings and you can do that by visiting your nearest centre to see someone who understands and who can help you through recovery. There is hope – please get in touch as soon as you can.