It took 6 months to conceive

In September 2007, my partner and I at the time decided to try for a baby...

I was so over the moon and every month religiously I would take tests. All negative.

Then he left me

Then in April 2008, he left me. He came home one day and he had moved out.

Sod’s law, I miss a period and I remember doing the test thinking another £10 down the drain! But – shock - it came back positive.

I was filled with so much confusion and have never felt panic quite like it. I rang him and told him, and he said, ‘It’s ok. We will sort it together!’ I met up with him that night and had to show him the test to prove I wasn’t lying.

I couldn't believe it

I couldn’t believe that I had her inside me. After many chats, he said he was not ready for a child and was not responsible enough.

He came to the GP with me but then that was it!!

I went for my first appointment but he never showed or answered his phone.

I bought baby magazines

Leading up to my first appointment, I found myself buying baby magazines to see what was happening. I was taking folic acid - I even asked the lady if this would hurt my child!

I asked to see my scan and even have the picture to this day which I keep on me always!

I was then booked in to have it done two weeks later, by which time morning sickness had kicked in!

But I had a sense of protectiveness over my child! Friends would say to me, ‘Don’t worry, it’s not a baby. It’s the size of a peanut!’ But that didn’t matter to me. It was there; it was my child, no matter what size.

I just burst into tears

The operation took place and I was very suicidal at the time. I did not want to wake up after the anaesthetic, but I did!

I came round and just burst into tears alone as they don’t allow your friend in. Still nothing from the ex!

After it was done, which I hasten to add is the worst thing ever, I tried to move on.

Retained products and a big infection

Four weeks later, I take a test and it’s still positive. I was having a lot of pain so I went to the out-of-hours, thinking, ‘Wow, what if she is still in there?’ I would be so happy that it hadn’t worked! I was admitted to hospital, had a scan and was diagnosed with retained products and a very big infection!

So the next day I was booked in to go back in to theatre... Having gone through this, I feel so crushed. I even have my song that I sing to her.

A friend a while back said she was going through it but I couldn’t go through it with her. She showed no emotion and felt fine with the whole thing. This has now ended our relationship.

The most messed up thing is that now I’m in a new relationship where I’m planning to get pregnant without my partner knowing! I don’t know why this is.

This will stay with me and have a massive impact on the person I am today till the day I meet her in heaven! X

Editor’s note:

Thanks for writing in…

It’s clear that everything within you instinctively wanted to protect and nurture your pregnancy, evident from all the different responses you had, such as taking folic acid and looking at baby magazines. This is a natural expression of maternal instinct, and reveals that your heart response was towards the pregnancy.

It sounds as if you had a major split between your head and your heart; and lost your heart's voice. Now you are suffering as a result.

Your loss and regret mean you are now hoping to become pregnant again, but it sounds as if this is to replace the pregnancy and relieve the feelings you have. This isn't necessarily the best way to resolve difficult emotions about loss.

It would help you, instead, to get in touch with a pregnancy advice service near you and ask about post-abortion support that can help you work through the feelings you have in a positive way.

This story was sent in on 12/04/2009 and it's been viewed 1,227 times.

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