I am 21 years old and in my final year at university.
The doctor wasn't very friendly, and referred me for an abortion without discussing any other options for me. It was about a month before my referral at the hospital. Throughout this time I felt pregnant. I suffered from tiredness and nausea. My breasts were so tender they could barely be touched. It all felt so frighteningly real. I was so upset and confused, especially with all the pregnancy hormones in my body. At the referral, I experienced an internal scan which revealed I was nine weeks pregnant. I still regret not asking to see my baby - I'm not sure why. I cried through the whole appointment and the doctor suggested a surgical termination so I wouldn't have to see my baby. I agreed and the date was set for the termination.
I was in so much turmoil I didn't know what to do. I cried every day, hating not being able to make such an important decision. Eventually I contacted CareConfidential and met with an advisor in my area. We chatted through my situation. I spoke of my money worries and she said that this shouldn't be the only reason. I came out knowing I wanted my baby. I felt happy and relieved. I walkout outside and told my boyfriend. The look on his face was terrible. He said it was fine, but he was devastated. I was unsure all over again.
The night before the termination I rang my mum and told her. She told me I should have told her before and that she would help me. However, she called a few hours later saying that if I had made the appointment, that was probably what I wanted to do. I felt like even my mum was against me.
The next day I had the termination. I wasn't allowed my boyfriend with me, so I sat and cried during the three hour wait. The doctor told me she didn't want to do it, but I told her I really wanted it. I think it was hard to believe. As I lay on the table and they were about to put me to sleep, I was still changing my mind. I don’t think I ever made a decision really.
After the abortion I felt relief. I was just pleased to have made a decision. However, as time goes by, I realise what I have lost. I miss my child. I feel empty and guilty. It was a horrific experience which will stay with me for a long time. I don't blame myself because I know I was upset and confused. I don't blame my boyfriend either.
Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story…It sounds as if you were in a real fog about what to do…a confusion of emotions, practical pressures and other people’s desires which allowed you to drift into an abortion without any real clarity about what was happening. As with many women in your situation, your head was telling you one thing and your heart was telling you something else.
I suspect the only time you really felt at peace with yourself was when you saw a CareConfidential advisor and knew what you really wanted. You felt complete peace in your whole person at that point. We need to allow that kind of complete peace to guide us in all our decisions, but you let your boyfriend’s feelings rob you of that peace and you became indecisive once more.
Now you are in a great deal of emotional pain, having pursued something you knew in your heart was not the right thing for you. Yes, you felt the usual short term relief, but now you struggle with guilt and a sense of loss and emptiness. Abortion is a profound experience and affects us far more deeply than we sometimes allow ourselves to believe. Please have courage: get in touch with the centre again and ask to see someone for post-abortion support, to begin working through your experience and coming to terms with your loss. We’ll be thinking of you.