I’m 17, and had and abortion just two days ago.
I found out I was pregnant after I spent the night with him. I never really thought I could be because I never had a normal cycle, but after several weeks of still not coming on I thought I had better be on the safe side. Sure enough that little line came up, and I burst out crying, though I never really know if they were happy or sad tears. As soon as I found out, I texted him at work. Straight away he rang and thought I was joking, and I did feel sorry for him, because it was such a shock and totally out of the blue. He had no idea.
I went straight to my GP who I didn't find helpful or reassuring. He bluntly said, ‘Is that a good thing or a bad thing?’ And I really wanted to say a good thing, but I knew it wasn't, and I was in a situation I didn't want to be in. He told me to repeat a pregnancy test and come back the next day. If it was positive I'd be referred to the clinic. So that's what I did and, yes, it was positive. He gave me an appointment for two weeks time. I thought two weeks was a long wait because I had no idea how far gone I was but at least it would give me time to think. As soon as I got out I rang my 'boyfriend' who was furious and demanded that I went back to the doctors and got an earlier appointment. He also said, ‘Can’t they not just give you a tablet to kill the c***?’ I was horrified. I thought, ‘This is our child you're talking about and that's the way you want to speak to me about it! He had no idea what I was going through, and was only thinking about himself. So later that day he made me ring the hospital after hours of arguments, and they just managed to squeeze me in for an appointment the next week.
We had said we weren't going to tell anyone and just keep it between us. I found out he told some friends at work, and some other friends. So I thought, ‘What right does he have to tell me not to tell anyone, when it was me that has to go through this, when he's going round telling anyone he fancies? So I told only my best friends, some of whom I regret telling, but my best friend helped me so much. I'm really close to her and her mum, and I knew she'd help and understand, so I told her mum and she really helped me make a decision that I thought I was happy with. She came with me to the hospital that following week, which he was furious about. He said he wanted no adults to know and what right did she have to know, and why did she need to know? I just thought to myself, ‘You’re supposed to be an adult yourself, and you’re being so immature. Once again you’re just thinking about yourself!’
We had so many arguments. He said awful things to me which made me just think, ‘I don't want your child, I don't want anything to do with you or be anywhere near you’. He would say that he wished I'd cheated and that it wouldn't be his to deal with and asked if I was I sure I hadn't. He would shout and scream at me for telling people and he threatened me by saying he was going to tell his mum who I really didn't want to tell because she of all people would not be happy. He told me that if he had his way he'd tell my mum as well and they had a right to know, and I thought, ‘They don't!! It’s between you and me. We got ourselves into it and whatever we do we need to get ourselves out of it’.
He would say he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore after it was all over and would never speak to me or touch me again. I was hurt and felt betrayed; he was meant to be helping me get through this, not blaming me for something that was half his fault. But then he would turn around and say ‘I'm dead chuffed I can make a baby’, and ‘can you believe there's a baby inside you?’ This hurt more because I knew he didn't want it there and there wouldn't be a baby inside there much longer.
When I went to the clinic, I was sent to the early pregnancy unit with a brown envelope with a leaflet about termination. I was confused because I hadn't told anyone that was what I definitely wanted to do, and they just assumed this was my decision. I sat and waited, watching a little girl with her dad, and felt awful that he had this beautiful little girl I assumed was his that he had made, and there I was flicking through a leaflet on how to get rid of my baby. A nurse came out and called me in, so I went in with my friend’s mum and they sat me down and asked me various questions before asking if I had read the leaflet I was given. I had only briefly read it, but choking back tears, I nodded. She asked my friend’s mum to leave whilst she did a scan. I didn't want her to leave; I didn't know what I was about to see, if anything. She could not see anything on my ultrasound scan and so said she would have to do an internal scan, after a few moments she clicked away and told me I was about six and a half weeks.
I wanted to see my baby but she never offered and I didn't want to ask, something I really regret. I don't know and never will know if I would have regretted more seeing the little thing, or if it would have changed my mind. She then sat me down and went through the different types of termination. I didn't know which one I wanted and she never even explained them properly to me. I read through the leaflet and decided I wanted the surgical one. After choosing, she explained more about the risks and other procedures they may have to carry out, should any complications arise, which really scared me and I felt like saying I didn't want the termination. I wanted nothing though. I wanted to forget about it all, I didn't want to be in that situation. I wanted no pain and no trouble, just to pretend it wasn't a problem and it wasn't happening to me. She booked me in for two weeks time, gave me some tablets and sobbing my heart out, I signed a consent form and left.
The next few weeks went so quick, even though every day I didn't feel well, but I would clutch my stomach and know that inside I had a baby, and it was my baby. The night before the operation I stayed at my friend’s. In bed that night I just lay there thinking ‘I'm making the right decision’, and I lay with my hands on my stomach, questioning myself over and over, ‘what life would it be for me? For my baby? I would have nothing to do with the person I loved anymore, how would I support the baby?’ I want to be an airhostess and I knew this dream would not be possible if I had a young child. I thought to myself, ‘I'm just being selfish. This poor child's life hasn't begun and I'm already thinking about it ruining mine’.
That morning I put on a brave face, I didn't want people to think I was weak, but I didn't want them thinking I had no heart, and I was just pushing this problem to the side without a second thought, although it was all I could think about since I’d seen the two little lines. I arrived at the hospital white, looking very sheepish and feeling so sick from the antibiotics I had been told to take. My friend’s mum waited with me, and a nurse took me along to the ward. I had to go by myself. She explained what was going to happen, checked my details and I went back along to sit in the day room. About an hour later I was taken back and the nurse appeared with a little tray and a glove, she took me into the toilet and explained what to do. In the little tray were two white tablets, she told me to put them inside me as far as I could. They would soften the womb and make the procedure easier. She asked if I was I sure. And after they were in there was no going back. I just had a blank expression, nodded and took the tray from her. I sat on the toilet, just looking at these tablets in my hand, thinking to myself that these are going to kill my baby. I was going to kill my baby! Shaking, and feeling sick to the stomach I put them inside, all the time wishing I wasn't doing this and that I could just get up and say ‘no, I change my mind. I don't want to’. I knew I could but then how would I deal with the other side of it?
After a long two hours, I could hear the nurse preparing the lady next to me saying she would be going to theatre in five minutes. By this time, I had seen several nurses, anaesthetists, doctors and researchers, asking permission to have my baby to research into miscarriage and disabilities. I just lay there in the hospital gown, just me and my baby, my first child lying there for the last time, hand on stomach, which was cramping by now. ‘I just thought my baby is dying inside of me and it’s my fault’. I was wheeled off to the anaesthetic room, shaking because I don't like needles to start with, never mind this horrific thing I was about to do. I lay there looking around me as two or three nurses rushed around preparing things and one stood by me saying I was going to be ok and it would all be over soon. By now, I was in floods of tears clutching on to the bed clothes as she put a cannula in my hand.
I was lying there so angry because he wasn't here with me. At the time he was working away but he could have come back, made the effort to be with me. He told me enough that he wishes he could be there with me and that he hopes I'm ok. I didn't take my phone with me and I kept thinking, what if he's texted me, telling me not to do it? What would I do then? I wanted him there to hold my hand, but then I hated him at the same time. I didn't want to ever be anywhere near him again, what he'd put me through, how he spoke to me, they way he treated the situation and shouted at me, saying he didn't trust me to do it and I'd ruin his life if I kept it.
They next thing I knew I was in recovery. I was confused and disorientated. I have bad stomach pains and they gave me some tablets, which I struggled to take still half asleep. I automatically burst out crying again, as if I’d been crying the whole time and it just carried on from me being put to sleep. The tears didn't stop, I cried all the way back to the ward. Some of the girls were still waiting to go and they were all looking at me, sobbing, clutching pieces of tissue. My baby had gone. Over the next hour the other girls were wheeled off and came back; nurses came in and out and attended to us. I was the only one crying, and I just thought I must be the only one who regrets this, and I so wished that he could have just turned round and said, ‘Keep the baby, we'll make it work’. There would be no question about it, I would have kept that baby and loved it more than anything, more than life itself.
I haven't even seen him yet since it happened. He got back from working away and promised he would see me, but he didn't. Apparently going out with his friends was more important. I should have known he wasn't really bothered about it. When I rang him as soon as I got out of hospital, one of the first things he asked was, ‘What's the situation in the bedroom?’ wanting to know when I could have sex. Men for you...
I don't know if I made the wrong decision, but in ways it might have been the right decision. Only time will tell. Anyone who is reading this, please think about it properly. Don't feel pressured by anyone else; don't let any one make the decision for you. Although you might think it’s the worst time of your life, whatever you choose to do you will have to live with it, whether you get a gorgeous baby out of it or not. Life deals you all kinds of problems, you have to deal with it and in time it will show you why that happened to you. I have cried many times in the last few days and I feel guilty and ashamed of myself. I feel so alone because no one truly knows what I'm going through, and my mum never knew. I feel like I can't tell her now because she might be ashamed of me for doing it. She might have supported me. I won't know and I can't change it. I want help and support and in time I want to get over this and grieve. This was my first child. Had it been with the right person and in the right situation, I would still have that beautiful thing inside me. Time can only tell if I made the right choice.
Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your experience with us…Sadly, it sounds as if this pregnancy may have exposed your relationship for what it really was. You’ve been hurt by your boyfriend’s rejection of the pregnancy and of you. Whatever his reasons, the fact is that, under the circumstances, you felt you had no choice and went against your deepest instincts about the pregnancy. Now your heart is in pain with loss, grief, guilt, shame, and anger. Added to that is the isolation you feel from not being able to share this secret pain with those closest to you. It would help you to be able to talk about this with someone who understands how you are feeling, and the hurt that you are suffering right now. You can visit your nearest centre, ring the helpline or use Online Advisor for the support you need.