I was hoping he would propose and set things up so we could be a family...By anonymous on 07/12/2006
I had an abortion last year at age 37. It was my first pregnancy. I had been with who I thought was the love of my life for over 3 years. I was terrified when I saw the blue line on the test because G only saw me twice a week for an hour or two. We didn't live together - he was a workaholic and total commitment-phobe. I'd fantasized and longed for a baby before getting pregnant but was totally shocked when it happened.
I was completely alone - just moved into a new flat by myself. He was being as distant as ever - never once stayed the night with me but I loved him like a fool. He was determined that I 'got rid of it' when I told him. I was hoping he would propose and set things up so we could be a family. I was heartbroken but not that surprised when he said he wasn't interested in 'any of that'. He said if I chose to have it, it was nothing to do with him. The pain of the rejection was excruciating.
I was determined to have my baby at first and bought pregnancy magazines and even decided on names. Then I realised I was scared, scared of how I'd cope with no money or emotional support. I had never felt so isolated and alone. I veered from wanting to keep it to being terrified of having it alone. My mother said she didn't want to get involved in case she said the wrong thing.
I pleaded with G to come round. He insisted I got rid of it. When I refused he said he could pay to have people killed. This was not some thug but the man that had told me he loved me for 3 years and promised me a future. It makes me sound so naive. I lay awake each night for weeks scared that he would send someone round to kill me. I phoned the police but they wouldn't do anything. I clung to my stomach promising I wouldn't let anything hurt my baby. He didn't call me. Eventually my courage went and convinced myself I'd never cope with no support. ‘What could you offer it?’ he'd said to me.
I made three appointments at the abortion clinic but cancelled each one. It felt like going to a slaughterhouse. Eventually, though, I did it. My mother came to stay afterwards. We were watching TV and a hospital drama was on, showing a baby being pulled out of a woman’s womb by c-section. ‘Turn it off,’ I shouted. She had the remote control but she just kept it on and made me watch it. I ran out of the room and just sobbed.
It's not gone away, the wretched pain and regret. I hate myself for doing it, for not seeking the right help, for not being strong. I know bitterness will destroy me so I try to keep myself distracted but the more I squash it down the louder the scream is inside. I pretend I did it to allow myself to follow my career but it's a pathetic comparison of importance. I moved to a new town to start a new life, anything to try to 'move on'.
My brother's wife has just given birth to their 4th child but I can't go to see him. I'm still in touch with G. unbelievably. He's tried to make it up to me but won't talk about it. I hate him for what he did and know I need to move on. Sometimes I just want to join my baby.
I'll soon be 39. I've met a man who wants to marry me and have my child but I can't trust him and hold him at arm’s length yet I desperately want to be a mother. Never let a man influence you for something so primal, so personal. You can always get another man, but never a lost child. I don't know how to get over this. I feel it's ruined my life.
Editor’s note: Thank you for sharing your story with us. You are obviously suffering so much with this experience – suffering with loss, grief, anger, guilt and sorrow, to name a few. Your head was telling you one thing but your heart was desperate for another, looking to your partner to make a way forward.
This may be the first time you have really shared your story. Now it’s time to share it with someone who can help you face to face – there is hope for a real recovery for you in the free specialist counselling we offer at our centres. Recovery doesn’t come by just coping and distracting yourself from the pain. And you are worth so much more than just struggling with it for the rest of your life. Addressing this now could mean a better future for you and your new partner.
You can find the nearest centre to you on our website. If that’s a problem, contact Online Advisor or speak to someone on the helpline. We’ll be thinking of you.