I had already hit a pretty low place and arranged some counselling via CareConfidential (it was free!). This was the best thing I could ever do.

In October last year I found out that I was pregnant. I wrote my story on here – the one in her 30's with two children and the 'stiff upper lip' Please take the time to read how I was feeling back then and then read this: When I wrote my ditty, I had already hit a pretty low place and arranged some counselling via CareConfidential (it was free!). This was the best thing I could ever do. Seriously, I don't quite know the sort of person I would be now, allowing all those feelings of shame, regret, guilt, anger and hatred to well up inside of me. It was affecting my marriage and my relationship with my children. Feels hopeless, doesn't it? I was never a great believer in counselling but the hour/hour and a half a week with my counsellor gave me space each week to talk through the different feelings, time for me and more importantly allowed me to grieve. Yes, you heard right. Grieve. None of the counsellors at the clinic told me that grief is something I would feel. Abortion is not openly spoken about and the opinion is – well, you got yourself into the situation so deal with the consequences. I am very grateful to my counsellor for telling me that it is ok to grieve for my lost baby - no matter how early on in the pregnancy. There is no funeral; there is no goodbye. There are no kind well-wishers in the street telling you they are thinking of you. It is an entirely insular thing. Four months down the line from writing to CareConfidential, I know that I have had three children not two. The experience of Abortion will never leave me but I can accept it and move on. I do not have faith and have no God to turn to, just me and my husband and our fab children. I will always feel the pain but I no longer feel ashamed or guilty or angry. I still feel disappointed that I had to go through the experience and have a number of 'what ifs' but I am no longer feeling depressed and have acknowledged my child and said goodbye without having been able to say hello. Please, if you had an abortion or are planning to have one, accept the need to grieve even if it was years ago. It is a natural process and counselling can really benefit you. I say this with my heart. I am a strong individual and this experience crumbled me. I wish you all well for the future, knowing mine is a bit brighter now xx Editor’s note: Thank you for taking the trouble to write in about your recovery…We’re so glad that you found the help you needed from CareConfidential and the release from the negative and damaging emotions that often result from an abortion experience. It’s so true that many women feel they have no right to grieve their loss because they made the decision. In fact, many feel they do not deserve to recover and feel what amounts to penance - or the need to pay back through their suffering. Thank you for relating to us how our recovery programme helped you. Hopefully, it will encourage others who are still suffering in silence and alone.

This story was sent in on 20/06/2009

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