I had a medical abortion a week ago. Then five days ago, I felt the baby fall out of my womb and I saw it in the NHS bed pan.
I was the one who wanted the abortion. My boyfriend and I had already split up because I never wanted children and he did. We had sex even though we were officially broken up and I had stopped taking the pill. When I asked him if he had ejaculated, he said no and even though I didn't really believe him, I took the risk because I still wanted him. I suppose I thought if I was pregnant, I might change my attitude towards bringing children into the world. I didn't, even through all his anti-abortion talks and a brief spell of saying we would give it up for adoption. I felt absolutely sure it was wrong to let the embryo "become a baby" in such a situation - we have no money, no homes of our own, are both in uni and I had serious doubts about the relationship. What I failed to realise was that it was already a baby. Having seen it face-to-face, I cannot live with it now.
I think it was far too easy to have it done. There was no real chat to be sure that I really knew what I was doing. I felt through the whole process that I was being logical and considering the implications for everyone involved and making the most rational, simple choice to limit the damage done. I just want other women and girls to know that even if you feel sure beforehand, you can feel completely different afterwards and, if you are expecting it to go back to normal afterwards, you will be disappointed. Once you are pregnant, no matter what you do, it is forever. I have learnt my lesson about never ever taking a risk and I want to tell everyone how important it is. You never want to go through this ordeal in your life.
My GP told me the beginnings and ends of relationships seem to be the most dangerous times for getting pregnant. I think it’s good to get an implant or an IUD or something you can rely on, whether you are single or in a relationship that is ending. You don't have to decide when to switch contraception on or off; it’s just always on until you remove it.
I will never forget the beautiful face of my tiny seven week old baby, it had long arms and tiny hands and feet, a delicate little chin and lips and nose; there was no doubt it was a person. Its eyes were closed as if it was just sleeping but it wasn't; it was dead in a bed-pan full of blood because of me and there is now nothing I can do about it except tell other people. Life would have been extremely hard if I'd kept it. I thought its life would end up a total mess but I wish I had. I know I would rather experience good things and bad things than nothing at all.
Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story with us…I sometimes wonder that if we had a little window into our uterus during pregnancy, would many of us feel differently about the growing life within us? I think you have answered that question…there is something awesome about the first time we see our unborn child, whether on an ultrasound screen, at birth or during a medical abortion. You have bravely faced up to the fact of what the meaning of an abortion truly is and it has shocked and saddened you. Thank you for being so candid and honest.
But where do you go from here? I’m sure there’ll be many sad moments when you remember what you saw…pain mixed with a strange pleasure that you did indeed see what was in your womb. My concern for you now is that you allow yourself to grieve and deal with feelings such as guilt, shame and loss you may have. It may help you to visit your nearest centre and have a post-abortion check-up to see how you are doing emotionally, and perhaps begin the recovery programme called The Journey. Many women have benefited from it, and I think it would help you find closure in a healthy, positive and hopeful way. Please do get in touch…