When I was 16 years old I found out I was pregnant. I had been with my boyfriend for a year and we were both in shock when we found out.

When I was 16 years old I found out I was pregnant. I had been with my boyfriend for a year and we were both in shock when we found out. I immediately went to the clinic and told them I wanted an abortion. My boyfriend and I were only 16 and we were too young and immature to have a baby. I also had upcoming GCSEs and didn’t want to not do them because I knew I wanted to have an education and a good job before having children so it wouldn’t be a struggle and so I could give my child everything they wanted and deserved. At the , they referred me to the abortion place and told me I had a three week wait because it was very busy but I just kept thinking that I wanted it over and done with. I cried nearly everyday until the abortion because, while I wanted to have the baby, I knew I wouldn’t be able to cope. I wasn't ready and I wanted to finish my education first. As the weeks went by, the day of the abortion came. I remember sitting waiting to be called while I cried my eyes out on my boyfriend’s shoulder. After it was done, I came home and was in agony, bleeding a lot and in so much pain I just curled up on my bed and couldn’t move, while crying full of sadness and guilt...It was then that I told my mum because I was so scared. I went to the toilet and remember pieces of pink tissue coming out from inside of me...it was horrible. They obviously didn’t do the abortion properly and left stuff inside of me causing me to be in pain. Anyway, a year passed and my boyfriend’s cousin was in the same situation with his girlfriend and she was going to have an abortion. My boyfriend came and spoke to me about it and it just reminded me of my abortion and how much I wanted to have my baby back and made me full of regret all over again...so I stopped taking birth control hoping we'd get pregnant again because I wanted a baby so badly. A few weeks later she had the abortion, only to find out two months later that she had fallen pregnant again. When I found out, it just made me sad again because I wanted to be pregnant so much. A month after that, I had missed my period and took a pregnancy test as soon as I woke up, only to find that it was positive, (a year and a half after the abortion). I texted my boyfriend to come over and I told him; we we're both over the moon. But as the weeks went by, there were clear cracks in the relationship and my boyfriend turned round to me and told me to get another abortion because he wasn't ready and didn’t want to have a baby. It broke my heart to hear what he was saying but I booked the abortion which was the following week and hoped that he would change his mind before the day came. At the first appointment, when they did the ultrasound and said I was seven weeks and one day, the picture stayed up on the screen and I saw the baby. I asked if I could have a copy but they said no. All they could do was give me a photocopy which was rubbish because you could hardly see anything. I told my boyfriend about the ultrasound and he said we will talk...I thought he had changed his mind, but then he went back to saying he didn’t want the baby. I knew that I didn’t want to force a baby onto him as it could cause problems, and I was still very young (only 17) and I still wanted to complete college, but at the same time I really wanted the baby...However, I respected my boyfriend’s decision. The day came and I was silent the whole bus journey. I couldn’t believe he was making me do this again! When we arrived at the place and sat in the waiting room he held my hand, looked in my eyes and told me it was too early for us to have a baby but by that time I had blocked out every emotion and was just silent. After the abortion, I came home and started crying immediately. What had I done? I felt I had been pressured and forced to do something I didn’t want to do and was constantly snappy and aggressive towards my boyfriend. That same week, he broke up with me and that just made me even more depressed, upset and sad because we had been together for so long and, at the same time, I was regretting the abortion so much and still am....I’m heartbroken. Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story with us…Many women choose abortion because their partner is negative about the pregnancy and they feel as if they have no choice but to go along with what their partner wants in case they lose him. Sadly, every woman has a very real choice about what she wants but often lacks courage and feels powerless to pursue the pregnancy alone. Her main intention can be to keep the relationship intact but women often lose both the partner and the pregnancy, as you have done. It's strange how many of us say we'd rather end the pregnancy than not be able to provide every good thing for our child - surely that's a contradiction in terms? Surely it's love for the child that says we want to provide all it needs? And what does it need more than love, regardless of material things? We seem to jump through hoops of inverted logic when we are in crisis, it seems. The tensions that follow an abortion can contribute to the break-up, revealing that the relationship was perhaps a shallow one, based on selfish, consumerist desires rather than love and commitment through difficulties. None of that helps you right now, however, left with your loss, regret and grief. I’m not sure how much time has elapsed since your abortions – it doesn’t really matter in one sense – but maybe it’s time for you to go for some post-abortion recovery support through your nearest centre. It’s easy to find out what’s available on this website, or by ringing the helpline or using Online Advisor. Please have courage and get in touch.

This story was sent in on 22/06/2009

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