The day I got the news I was pregnant I was so happy I couldn’t even imagine having an abortion.

I had only just turned 17; I was still a child myself. I wasn't in a relationship at the time, deep down inside I couldn’t see what was happening in front of me. The day I got the news I was pregnant I was so happy I couldn’t even imagine having an abortion. It didn’t hit me until days later when I had to make the biggest decision of my life. I soon realised I had just been used. When I was left to make the decision alone, I went through depression and often thought about self-harming. People don’t see how it affects you; most people choose to bottle it up inside, feel alone and often rejected. I was 8 weeks and 4 days gone by the time I went to the clinic. I discussed the future options, but I agreed to go through with the abortion. The day of the abortion was very emotional. I guess at my age you have your whole life ahead of you. This isn’t something you can just want one day and not the next. Days later, after I had aborted my first child, things were very difficult but I believed life would go back to normal soon, though I knew I’d never forget what I had done. Still almost a year on, things have got worse. I’ve been in a relationship for almost six months now and it’s affected us more than I could have imagined. I’m lucky compared to most because he’s stuck around through everything. However it’s had a big impact on us both and I often want him to give me the baby I never had. But I know that can't happen because we’re both too young, although I often think about losing everything for a baby. My family have been by my side ever since. Family to me is the most important part of every individual. No matter how old you are, making a choice like this isn’t going to be easy. It’s life or death and either option will change your future. Those who take abortion as an option think about the long term circumstances. There’s a lot to consider either way. Don’t think that having a baby is going to solve all your problems because it won’t. It will just give you more responsibility. In my opinion, having an abortion should be done as a last resort. You should always consider having counselling before, during and after to help with your final decision. X Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story with us…A year on with unresolved issues from an abortion means you probably need some support to recover more fully, especially if it’s impacting another relationship. It sounds like you made a decision with your head, and had to ignore your heart feelings towards the pregnancy because of the circumstances you were in. Added to that was the rejection you felt from the father – all these things add up to a deeply felt experience in life that has hurt you. Take time to find what support is available to you locally. Having the opportunity to talk through your feelings and how this has impacted you could help you to find more healing and, therefore, more freedom.

This story was sent in on 30/07/2009

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