My heart was saying don’t do it, but my head was saying this is the right thing to do. I cried for days hoping to miscarry myself because then my body would have ended it, not me.
From the dates, I was 5 weeks 3 days. She said I could have an early medical termination which is through tablets. I came in the next week as at the weekend I was taking my children away on holiday so I had time to really think it through. I really wanted to go ahead with the pregnancy but I knew I wouldn’t cope with four children, with two being under the age of two. I would be silly to go through with it. My heart was saying don’t do it, but my head was saying this is the right thing to do. I cried for days hoping to miscarry myself because then my body would have ended it, not me. But it didn’t, so on the Wednesday I went into the clinic where I spoke to the doctor. He asked me why I wanted a termination and I told him it was due to family commitments I could not go ahead. I was nervous but I was there only ten minutes in all. He took my blood pressure then scanned me where I found out it was twins. I was shocked but I definitely knew then that there was no way I could change my mind.
My last pregnancy was a twin and I lost the one at 5 1/2 weeks. I had gone further this time so I took the tablet and went home. I was fine, no symptoms at all, and carried on as normal. I went back next day and saw a nurse to have the next lot of four tablets inserted into my vagina and it really is not as bad as it sounds. I didn’t feel a thing. It was more of a red face moment really and the nurse said I would have a heavy bleed and lose clots and have belly ache which I did but, again, not really bad belly ache. I’ve had worse periods so from 10.30 am when I had the internal I had a bit of a belly ache and felt miserable, then at 12.22 I started to bleed I went to the loo and there I lost the pregnancies. Two sacs came away with many liver type clots. They looked nothing like babies as I was only 6 weeks 3 days at this point. They were just CELLS not babies.
I can describe the sacs as looking like jelly fish really about the size of a 50p coin and white in colour. I never felt them come away. It was when I wiped myself that I saw them on a tissue in the toilet. If the tissue had not been there I wouldn’t have known it had happened. I would have just flushed the loo when finished and not known a thing. It was a heavy bleed but by tea time it had calmed down a lot. If you’re worried about this type of termination, don’t be. It’s just like having tablets to make you have a period. Before the gestation week of 12 they resemble nothing like babies, honestly. They are just cells which you cannot see as they are inside the sac.
It’s been three days now and I’m fine. I know I did the right thing but I wish I could have carried on with the pregnancy but my family would have suffered and so would have my 10 month old. He deserves all of my attention, like his siblings had, so please don’t stress. It really is nothing. I know it’s not nice but these things never are. If you know deep down this is not the right time for you, then you will be fine but if you have doubts then take that few minutes to think about what you’re about to do because there’s no going back xxxxxxxxx.
Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story…It sounds as if you struggled a bit with the circumstances that made a pregnancy difficult for you at this time, and your head was telling you that logically an abortion was the only choice you had. Having been through it, you probably feel some of the relief that comes with having the problem and pressure lifted off you.
It sounds as if you are speaking from two different parts of yourself; the part that acknowledges the rationality of your decision, and another part that is aware at a deeper level of the meaning of what has happened to you. You are working hard to hold on to your reasons for such a difficult decision. If you ever feel you need some support for feelings which may surface as time goes on, please get in touch.