I stupidly suggested that we didn't need to go through with the pregnancy and said that I would book a termination and we could use the time before to think about it (which was two weeks).
After three beautiful boys, I finally thought I was going to have the daughter that I long for. I fell pregnant in January 2009, my husband and I were not using any contraceptives as I had been breast feeding my younger son. We also took years to conceive and thought that perhaps we were safe. When I found out, I was a little shocked but pleased as my sister had just found out that she was expecting and it would have been nice to share a pregnancy together. I didn't tell anyone for a few weeks as I was still unsure and amazed at the same time.
I told my husband who was very quiet and didn't say much at all. He was not angry (besides it takes two and he was as careless as I) but didn't really want to have any more children. I stupidly suggested that we didn't need to go through with the pregnancy and said that I would book a termination and we could use the time before to think about it (which was two weeks). During the two weeks we hardly spoke about it and when I asked what my husband was thinking, he just kept saying that he thought it was for the best. I went through with the termination on Friday the 13th of March. I was almost 10 weeks.
At the time I just went on auto pilot and did what I had to, even though I sat in the waiting room and I didn't want to go through with it. I thought that it would be selfish of me to keep the baby so I had the surgical termination. Afterwards I cried as I was heart broken and finally, though too late, my husband and I had a good long talk. He was unsure if we were doing the right thing either. I just wish he would have said this before as we could afford to keep the baby even though things would be a little busier as home.
I regret my decision every day and as my husband did not force me, I cannot in all honesty blame him for making me go through with it. Now I will never know if I would have had my little girl or not. My sister is now due next week and all I can think about is soon, (October), I would have had another beautiful child boy or girl to hold and love.
The ironic thing is that I work in a neonatal intensive care unit and have to look after babies all the time and all I think about is how lucky these people are to have theirs. I never thought something like this would happen to me and it’s hard as we have not told family or friends as I don't want them to be judgemental. Every day I think about my baby and it doesn't get any easier but I will just have to learn to live with my decision.
Editor’s note: Thanks for writing in...You sound as if you drifted into an abortion, somehow believing that this was what your husband wanted but without ever really talking together about the implications of it. It’s as if you were in a fog and now the fog has cleared and you are left with the shock of pain and regret. It’s a tragedy of inadequate communication and understanding, isn’t it? Perhaps you made that concession (considering an abortion) for the sake of your husband, but then found yourself going into it for real. Even when we enter into it, we don’t seem to have the voice to say what we really want.
Whatever your experience, it’s now time to begin finding a healthier way of relating to it for both your sake’s. Resigning yourself to living with it is not going to work. Healing is needed from sadness, guilt, regret, shame and grief. It may not seem possible, but we know that it is. Please get in touch with your nearest centre and request an appointment for post-abortion support and begin your journey towards recovery. We’ll be thinking of you.