I needed to tell someone else. I had an abortion on 16/05/09. It was my second abortion and unlike the first one, I really wanted to keep this baby.

I needed to tell someone else. I had an abortion on 16/05/09. It was my second abortion and unlike the first one, I really wanted to keep this baby. I'd already thought of it as my baby and even discussed pregnancy with my pregnant sister. But my boyfriend reacted badly. When I told him that I was pregnant, he was horrified. I told him it had happened when I came off the pill for a while. We weren't having sex so it seemed pointless. When we started having sex again I started the tablets but it was too late. He blamed me for this, saying I had forced him into this situation and when I told him I wanted to keep it he went to pack his bags. As I always did, I backed down and agreed to the abortion. I told my sister that I'd had an early miscarriage and booked an appointment. On the very day I had the abortion, my little sister gave birth to her second child, a little boy. It was the only thing on my mind at the clinic and as soon I woke up, I felt awful. I can't talk about it with my family and my boyfriend says I’m over-reacting. I'd looked on websites for information with pregnancy and I knew that my baby at 11 weeks was already developing but my boyfriend keeps insisting it was only a ball of cells. I tried seeing a counsellor after the abortion but nothing they said was helpful and didn't make me feel any better about what had happened. Her advice was that I couldn't regret my decision as it had already happened, it was too late now. Right now I think about my baby everyday and I desperately want to replace it with another, even though I realise this is just part of my guilt and grief. I’m just hoping that this can get easier with time. Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story with us…Your heart knew exactly what it wanted this time, didn’t it? Yet you felt under pressure from your boyfriend’s opinions and wishes as soon as you expressed your own. It’s not easy for woman to go against a partner’s wishes – it takes a huge amount of courage to break out of his orbit that way. It just feels easier to go along with it, in the hope that he might change his mind and embrace fatherhood, that the relationship will stay intact and you’ll get through. You are not over-reacting; you’ve been through a profound experience that you didn’t want second time around. You’ve faced the truth without trying to pretend that what has happened didn’t mean anything. Yes, your desire for another baby is for comfort and it may be better to spend some time coming to terms with your experience first. I suggest you get in touch with your nearest centre and make an appointment for some post-abortion support. Sharing your story with someone who understands will certainly help you to begin a journey of recovery. We’ll be thinking of you.

This story was sent in on 17/09/2009

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