When I told him I was pregnant he was shocked. He asked what I wanted to do and I told him - I'd had a miscarriage when I was 16 and that crushed me.

By anonymous on 17/09/2009
My boyfriend and I have been together, on and off, for a year. We got back together about three months ago after a two month split. A month into the rekindled relationship, I found out I was pregnant. When I told him I was pregnant he was shocked. He asked what I wanted to do and I told him - I'd had a miscarriage when I was 16 and that crushed me. I told him as strong as I was I didn't have the strength to lose another baby. The first baby I lost was through no fault of my own, but I couldn't handle the guilt of knowing that I would have murdered my own child especially in combination with my religious beliefs. At first he seemed to understand, and as much as he said he wasn't ready for a child, he said that if I decided to keep the baby, he would be there.

The more we spoke though, the guiltier he made me feel. He said it would ruin our lives. That I wouldn't be able to go to Uni this year, and that there's no way he'd go to Uni and leave a child behind. I knew it wouldn't ruin my life, but faced with the prospect of ruining his, I caved in. He went against my wishes and told his mum about the forthcoming abortion even though he knew I wasn't 100% sure. When we spoke again I confessed I didn't want to have an abortion. He has NEVER even been rude to me. However, upon hearing this news he lost it. He screamed and shouted at me and told me I wasn't thinking rationally, that I needed to think with my head not my heart.

Him yelling at me reduced me to tears - I'd never seen him like this. He said this was the best relationship he'd had and it was slowly turning into the worst. I loved him too much to lose him so I agreed to the abortion. I had to see the counsellor by myself because he turned up late. She told me not to be pressured into anything. She made me feel worse. I needed him there and he wasn't. He came for the scan but didn't even come behind the curtain to see the picture. The next appointment was for the first tablet. I told him not to bother coming to this one - I went with a friend. The night before the next appointment for the four tablets, we were meant to go for a meal. Instead he went out clubbing with his mates and left me waiting in the cold for three hours. He crawled into his house at 6am as I woke up at 6am to go to the hospital - by myself.

When I got there, there were about five other girls - all of them accompanied by their boyfriends. The consultant looked around the corner as I entered, expecting my boyfriend to be with me but he wasn't. The expression on his face was so obvious. He thought I was a cheap tart. Inserting those tablets into yourself is uncomfortable and the most painful bit is not having someone there to cuddle you and tell you that it’s going to be alright. My ex-boyfriend came to wait with me as the pills started working. He even dropped me off when the procedure was done. My boyfriend didn't even try to get in touch that day and when he did the next day I was furious. I yelled at him and told him not to call me for a while. He called me soon after and had the nerve to make me feel guilty. He hung up and we haven't spoken since.

I would give ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that I own and love to have my baby. I don't think there’s anything worse than looking down at your pad and seeing your baby, so small but so well formed, with no head, helpless and dead. Guys tell you they'll support you, but once the shit hits the fan they are nowhere to be found. My great grandmother, grandmother and mother were all single mums who found love with a man AFTER their first children and these men have brought up their kids like their own. DO NOT have an abortion to keep your boyfriend. He can stop being your boyfriend but YOUR CHILD IS YOUR CHILD regardless. Please girls... don't do it. I WISH I HADN'T...

Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story…It seems that for a variety of reasons, some men don’t seem able to embrace their fatherhood and accept their responsibility for the situation they have shared in creating. You were left to make the choice between your partner and your pregnancy – an agonising choice for many women, and a common feature of decisions for abortion these days, it seems.

It sounds as if you feel the full emotional impact of what has happened, experiencing sadness, loss, grief, guilt and anger too. I feel it may help you to have some support from someone who understands, so that you can begin to work through your feelings and relate to this in as healthy a way as possible. It may help you in the future to be more confident about how you relate to men too…Get in touch with your nearest centre as soon as you’re ready.

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