I found myself pregnant at the age of 19By anonymous on 29/09/2009
I found myself pregnant at the age of 19. I’d always wanted children since I was younger and knew I wanted them youngish. Honestly, I was on the pill, but not as responsible with it as I could have been. Secretly I think I was hoping to fall pregnant. However the month I did, I hadn’t been thinking about it, I bought loads of packs of pads ready for my period to start. It didn’t. Four days later I decided to take a test convinced it would be negative. As I said, I knew I wanted children youngish but I hadn’t expected it yet. I took it so light heartedly - just laid it down and walked off, then went back to it and there it was. Positive. I started to cry, but deep down I was overwhelmed with joy. Of course I wouldn’t let anyone else know, I was only 19! I went to meet my boyfriend on his lunch break and told him. He told me I had to have an abortion. I agreed but didn’t really want to. I left it until 8 weeks when I had a scan done. I wasn’t shown the screen. I never got to see my baby. I went to see a nurse and she booked me in for an abortion two weeks later. I never intended to do it. The next few weeks were so emotional - I was a wreck. On the day of the 10 week abortion I was emotionless. I didn’t feel anything. However, my partner had a complete turn around and begged me not to do it. I was left feeling completely confused. This was the reaction I’d been hoping for all along. I went anyway, but told the doctor I’d changed my mind once I got there. I really expected my partner to be happy, but instead he completely turned on me again. I was yet again a wreck. I didn’t know what to do. I was convinced I was going to keep it. A week later I was back at the doctors booking another abortion. I was 12 weeks and 2 days when I had the abortion done. I knew it had a heartbeat - it was a tiny baby and I ignored everything about it. I never intended to go through with it. I kept leaving the nurse's office waiting and praying my boyfriend would text me telling me not to do it, but he didn’t. I knew if I didn’t do it I would be by myself, I’d be homeless, and I’d have lost the one I love. So I blocked everything that I was doing out of my mind. I didn’t let myself think about what was happening to that poor little soul. I just did it. I cried as I was wheeled into the operating room. I was in tears as I was put to sleep. The nurse said, "It’s okay to feel nervous". I just wanted to scream "I’m not nervous, I don’t want to do this!" for some reason I was completely numb and mute. I woke up in so much pain I couldn’t even think about what had happened. My mum came to pick me up. She looked so worried. I kept telling my partner and her that I was okay. That night I was completely fine, and I joked and smiled. The morning after was when it really hit home. I’d killed my baby. I had nothing in me anymore. The one thing I was so adamant I wouldn’t do, I had done. Because I wouldn’t let myself think about what I was doing or how it would affect me. Because I was too scared of losing my partner. It’s been almost a week. And I cry every day. I feel anger and hate towards everyone each day. But more importantly I can’t express that each day I still feel okay. Despite the horrible emotions that are expected, I’m not constantly sad. I just want those to know that are going down this route that it is the biggest regret of my life but I feel OKAY. And I know I can get through it. I know I'll never get over it. But I can make it through. The one thing that has helped me get through it, is the belief in spirits and for anyone who’s a sceptic or believes just think about this and maybe it will help you like it’s helped me. I firmly believe now that a life was started, a soul was created and even though the human body has gone, the spirit’s still going to be around. And when I do eventually have a baby, I’d really like to believe it will be the same spirit that passes on into the body. So I know I have my baby around still, it'll just have to wait a little longer to be in my arms. I hope this thought helps someone out there. And please think about what you’re doing before it’s too late to take back. Editor’s Note: You have been very brave to share your experience and to say how honestly the turmoil you went through affected you. It sounded as though your fear of losing your boyfriend and being alone with nowhere to live made you block out your feelings about the abortion, and your longing to have the baby. Maybe it would help you to have some post abortion support to help you to unravel some of these struggles. You could access this through a pregnancy support centre on the Careconfidential website.