I fell pregnant as an older woman, and it was a complete shock.

I fell pregnant as an older woman, and it was a complete shock. Fear and frustration set in almost immediately. How was I going to fit a baby into my life? I was - and am - very happily married. I cried a lot and then I quite literally shut myself down. I saw my doctor and asked for a termination. In hindsight, it would have been useful if she had asked me about my feelings in more detail as this was the only person I felt I could talk to as I didn't want anyone to know. A few weeks following the termination, I felt very unwell. I suffered heart palpitations and what I later learnt to be panic attacks. I also had a very tight chest and would find it hard to be in enclosed spaces. Working periodically in London and using the tube was a mental nightmare. But it was on one of these trips that I had a flashback to the abortion and it was only then that I realised why I had been feeling as I did and the effect that it had had on me. Because of the heart palpitations I saw another doctor who was very sympathetic and told me I didn't need to suffer alone. I still didn't really understand the connection. However, she put me in touch with CareConfidential and left me to make my own decisions. A rainy sad Sunday was the catalyst for me to make that move and I’m so pleased I did. Through the programme I learnt to deal with the abortion and a huge amount about myself. It was very hard as you have to face emotions and preconceptions that you don't realise you have or exist or, worse, have been shut away. A couple of times I considered giving up but thankfully my advisor was great and helped me understand that the pain I was going through had to be felt and that it would get better. Together we kept focused on the ten stages so that I could get through the tough sticky stuff. By the end I was able to feel released and unburdened, such a relief after all of the pain. I am a changed person now. I am far more relaxed and I understand me a lot more. In fact, I am now a mother to a beautiful 6 month old boy - even at my age! Motherhood is a wonderful thing. There is a good chance that I would never have got to have this wonderful experience if the support from CareConfidential had not been known to me. Thank you to the team in Basingstoke and to my advisor especially. Thank you. Editor’s note: Thank you for sharing your story…we are very glad to hear about your journey of recovery and that you had the courage to see it through, finding hope and wholeness again. And it’s so good to hear about your new son too. Congratulations and well done.

This story was sent in on 08/10/2009

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