About two months ago I saw the two positive lines on the pregnancy test.
About two months ago I saw the two positive lines on the pregnancy test. My boyfriend was waiting outside the toilet awaiting the results. I came out ghost white and announced that I was pregnant. It didn’t really sink in at first, I felt it was impossible for me to be growing another person. I had weeks of debating what to do, keep the baby or terminate the pregnancy? After endless calculations of mine and my boyfriend’s finances and how we would cope.
I felt I was so ready for a child. I love children and would be a natural mother. My boyfriend was definitely pro having the baby but our financial situation just didn’t match up to the costs of having a baby, and at this time we were living apart which made it difficult to see how we could be living together and have our own place away from our parents. My boyfriend is 24 and I have only just turned 19. Another thing we felt was that I was a bit too young.
I eventually plucked up the courage to tell my mum about the baby, she was so shocked but told me that she would fully support me through the whole thing, if not financially but she would not think badly of me for going ahead with the baby. I couldn’t bring myself to tell my dad and in the end he guessed. He and his wife were furious. They managed to convince me that I would be lonely if I had a baby. My body would change; there would be stresses in my and my boyfriend’s relationship. They even offered me money to not have the baby and they made it clear that if I had the baby I would not receive any financial support.
I wasn’t disappointed that neither of my parents was offering me financial support. I just wanted my dad’s support in it, rather than what felt like to me bribing me to not have a baby for money. Eventually after a month of dithering, my boyfriend and I decided to have the abortion. Every minute of it was hell. We did it very secretly and no one really talked about it afterwards. Now a month on I’m feeling very angry. I feel anger towards my dad and stepmother who have two little girls of their own and a lovely house in the countryside and their total lack of support towards my own situation makes me feel very upset and sad that I didn’t follow my heart. My heart told me to have the baby.
Now my boyfriend and I are talking of getting engaged and we have a really nice flat together in Cornwall. We have a really nice relationship and I will spend the rest of my life with my man. By now I would have been about 5 months pregnant and I can’t help thinking what if I had gone ahead with the pregnancy. I really regret my decision to abort my pregnancy. I just hope that girls like me will realise that in this sort of thing - always follow your heart. X
Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story with us…The pressure of your financial circumstances and the opinions of those around you influenced you strongly in your decision, didn’t they? Now you realise that your heart was saying one thing whilst your head, or logic, as well as the logic of others, was saying another. You sound as if you are feeling a sense of loss as well as anger, both of which are common experiences after abortion. It would help you to get in touch with your nearest centre and ask for some post-abortion support, so that you can begin to understand why you feel the way you do, and how you can come through these emotions healthily. Please do get in touch – we’d be happy to help you begin a journey of recovery.