I have always felt a personal sadness for the secret of a scared and lonely 15 year old girl who seeks forgiveness...

By anonymous on 22/01/2007
I was 15 years of age and already in an abusive relationship although I did not realise that at the time. I was just about to turn 16 years of age and was a very talented dancer, so I was told, with my life ahead of me. Then I was told I was pregnant.

I have blocked it out so I’m not sure how far into my pregnancy I was when I realised but I did not have much time to make a decision, that I remember. There were lots of tears from my mum and hate from my sister, as she was older, and could not have children. My abortion was a very disgusting state of affairs to my sister and I was asked the day before my abortion, ‘Would I be prepared to have the child for my sister who could not have children?’ Of course, the answer was no. At the time I was still a child myself and desperately in love.

The day following my abortion my sister shouted out remarks to me like ‘baby killer’ and I felt I could do no more but to leave my home town and move away to somewhere where no-one knew of my terrible crime and of the unspeakable thing I had done. I packed up my life and left for 6 years. OF COURSE, I WAS SWORN TO SECRECY. NO OTHER FAMILY MEMBER WOULD HAVE FORGIVEN ME FOR MY SINS.

We were not a religious family but I knew I had done wrong and was made to feel that way. Leaving home to me was out of the frying pan and into the fire. I stepped away from so much guilt and hurt into an abusive relationship which I had witnessed so much as a child and felt this was my penance for my sordid past.

Two hours or so following my abortion I saw the doctor who informed me I had a larger foetus than normal and could not determine if they were able to abort in full. I did not understand this at the time but realised a year or so on that I must have been carrying twins. My ex-partner (the dad) was a twin himself. This only makes the guilt harder to bear. I am now 35 and I still carry the loss in my heart and the shame that comes with the abortion of a child. I am now a professional person and I have moved on in that aspect, but I have always felt a personal sadness for the secret of a scared and lonely 15 year old girl who seeks forgiveness for a terrible crime.

Editor’s note: It sounds to me as if that young, scared and lonely 15 year old is very much still with you in many ways – someone who feels sad, guilty, ashamed and unforgiven, as well as someone who has suffered abuse. I want to encourage you to contact your nearest centre, the helpline or Online Advisor and begin to talk through some of your thoughts and feelings about your abortion experience. There is a journey of healing for you.

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