I still can't say the words. I did what I had to do, I had an abortion at 7 and a half weeks.

By anonymous on 17/01/2007
I thought life was sorted, I had just graduated from university with a really good mark; just got a new boyfriend who I adored and life was great. Then I started to feel really tired, really snappy, really grumpy and feeling ill all the time. I think I knew exactly what was wrong but didn't want to admit it. Then eventually I had to do a test and it turned out I was pregnant. I still can't say the words. I did what I had to do, I had an abortion at 7 and a half weeks.

It was the worst decision I have ever made, because now I'm left with a lifetime of 'what ifs' but at the same, at 22 and fresh out of university, I don’t think it would have been fair on my baby to have brought it into the world... yet, a month later, I feel so guilty, and I keep sneaking looks at new babies on the street, thinking what would my baby look like? What would he/she have turned into?

It’s weird, he/she was only 7 and a half weeks old, but still was a little person, and someone I will mourn for the rest of my life. I wish I hadn't had to choose. I think the best way to deal with things is this: think that any baby you may be fortunate to have later in life (and I hope to God I will have some) is a reincarnation of sorts, in that a child you may not have been ready to have previously may incorporate the child who you had to deny life to. At least, that’s what gives me comfort, in that my baby will come, when he/she is wanted or needed and I will be able to care for him/her without making me or him/her unhappy. I do miss my baby though…

Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story…It sounds as if you long to have some emotional closure following your experience - some conclusions that will enable you to find a settled place and put your feelings of uncertainty, guilt and loss to rest. You seem to be experiencing the tension between making a choice that was logical under the circumstances, but at the same time hearing the thoughts of your heart about what has happened to your baby and the losses you feel deep down. It may help you at some point to talk with someone further – on the helpline, at a centre or via Online Advisor, particularly if you struggle to find the peace – and the answers - you’re looking for.

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