I had the abortion and we went home. I thought I was ok but things have got worse!

I had an abortion on 21 March 2005! I found out I was pregnant aged 26 when my son was 11 months old and, after talking with my partner, we decided the right thing for our family was an abortion. This was completely a joint choice. Neither wanted to but felt it was best for us at the time as the pregnancy was not planned! I went to the doctors and 10 days later I was at the abortion clinic (8 weeks and 5 days pregnant)! We drove there. I looked at my partner and he had tears in his eyes. I asked if he changed his mind and he said no which I was ok with! I had the abortion and we went home. I thought I was ok but things have got worse! Two years later and I am really struggling with it - not the decision but the actual act itself. The choice was right but I can't forgive myself for killing our baby! We are going through a rough time as I can't let go. My partner would like another baby but I still feel as though God won't allow it because of what I did. I feel like I should be punished and don't deserve my partner’s love. Also I feel I need to be forgiven but until reading your stories today I didn't know who by. I thought I needed to hear it from my fella (he says there is nothing to forgive) but now I know I need our baby to forgive me and hope in time I can move on! I have given the baby the name Jamie, wrote a letter saying I was sorry and asking for forgiveness. I know this isn't the end but the start. Now I need to allow my self to grieve which I didn't think I deserved to do before, then let go so Jamie can rest in peace! I Love you Jamie. I'm so so sorry, forever playing with the Angels! ^^ Your Mummy xxx Editor’s note: Thank you for telling us your story. It was a decision that made sense at the time, wasn’t it, but it didn’t take your heart into account and now your heart is voicing its deepest feelings. You say you are holding onto your baby, unable to forgive yourself, feeling as if you should be punished in some way and that you are grieving. I know there is hope for you to come through this in a healthy way, but you need some help with your journey of recovery. Please make contact with your nearest centre. You (and your husband) can meet with someone who understands these issues and walk with you on this journey. If there is no centre near you, we may still be able to put you in touch with someone. Or you can use Online Advisor. From experience, we know it can make a very real difference. We’ll be thinking of you.

This story was sent in on 05/02/2007

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