I found out I was pregnant and was secretly really happy...

I had an abortion two days before Christmas last year. I had just come back from a sunny surfing trip in Sri Lanka with my new boyfriend and everything was going well between us. We had to live in his parent’s house in a totally new area because we had messed up with money, so we ended up in a basement room looking for jobs and trying to get by with nothing in the bank. I found out I was pregnant and was secretly really happy. At the time I thought I could cope and didn’t get the reality of the situation. I thought the secret happiness was a silly thought in my head, not real. We were both temping for rubbish wages and it was all really hard as it was. Living with his parents was also difficult as I knew I’d have to tell them and I had only just started going out with my boyfriend a few months before. My boyfriend said that we should have an abortion straight away. It wasn’t even an issue and although he did mention once about whether I agreed with him, it was just given that we didn’t keep it. I remember him once saying that I could have it if I wanted to, but he wouldn’t have anything to do with it. I'd have to move back home and cope on my own....but he would give me some money! For him his success and career is top priority and he isn’t the type to be sentimental. So I told his parents and tried to be uber cool, calm and collected. I remember saying things that were meant to show how much I wasn’t bothered, but in my head I was thinking 'What am I saying?' I went through with it although I spent the whole time with scenarios in my head of running out and not having the abortion. When I woke up I was high from the meds and singing Christmas carols! I will never forget the feeling of loss when reality hit me an hour later. They looked after me really well that afternoon and, to be fair, they were all so sweet. But one day later was Christmas. I had to get a six hour train home, and only my twin sister and brother knew. It was horrible. My tummy hurt and I was bleeding and I had the worst Christmas ever. I got back on the train and cried the whole way home. When I got home, we had moved into our own house with 2 friends and I thought it would all be a fresh start. Slowly but surely over this last year, I have been more and more angry with my boyfriend, hurt and tearful for 'no' reason, and generally not chilled out and silly like I usually am. I keep doing the ‘what if?’ thing and it is like living in a time machine in my head. I can’t get to 2007. It has put enormous pressure on my relationship with my boyfriend. I feel like I was really childish to prefer the attention of pretending I was so chilled out with the whole thing, than to face my fear that actually I really did like being pregnant. I have called the careconfidential people so I can talk through everything with someone. I don’t know whether my relationship will make it through as I still feel lots of anger towards my boyfriend. Hopefully it will all be good and I will be back to the real me in no time. Editor’s note: Thanks for telling us about your experience. Your heart had a message for you that you weren't able to voice well enough at the time, under the pressure of your circumstances. Well done for having the courage now to take that first step towards some support and come through this as best as you can.

This story was sent in on 12/02/2007

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