This weekend would be my baby’s first birthday.

This weekend would be my baby’s first birthday. I hate not knowing if it was a boy or a girl, what they would look like, their character and how we would be together as mother and baby. I have read a lot of the stories and I’m reassured that I am not the only one who feels like this. I spoke to the father of my baby last week, after not talking for over a year. Now, along with the birthday, I am having the same horrible feelings that I had just after it happened 6th September 2005, I was over 14 weeks. We have never really spoken about it. All he said this week was that it was in the past. I have since emailed him asking him but no reply yet. I’m not sure I want to know his answer as deep down I know it probably wasn’t hard for him to move on. During the decision my dad and my nan played a big part and I saw a side of them I never knew or imagined. They disgusted me. I now get on as if nothing has happened but I sometimes look at them and can't believe how they dealt with it. The thing is I have forgotten how angry I was with them and wish I could remember what it was like and how bad it was. I know I would go to sleep and wake up crying. Whole days were spent crying and not eating because I was so upset and confused. Of course I remember it, but not to its full extent. I tend to forget the horrible times in my life but I don’t actually want to forget this. I want my baby, just a photo of her. I feel as if she’s alive somewhere living her life and I wish I could just watch even if I can’t be a part of it. How do other people remember the babies they lost? Even if there was a grave to visit it would be something, but there’s nothing physical. Editor’s note: Thank you for sharing your story with us…it is obviously a hard time for you at the moment. Anniversaries of due dates often are. It sounds as if you are struggling with negative feelings towards your family who were involved, but also finding it hard to come to terms with the loss of your baby. In fact, you seem a bit stuck in the place of grief. And you are coping with all this under the semblance of normality too. I know there is a place of recovery for you – even though you may feel that is not what you want right now because staying with the grief somehow means you stay with your baby, doesn’t it? But this is not a good place for you to stay in the long term. Please contact the helpline or a centre near you, or Online Advisor, and begin to talk this through with someone who understands the losses involved, someone who can help you come through grief and find a better way for you to honour your baby’s memory.

This story was sent in on 12/02/2007

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