Here is My Story! I had termination in March 2005, nearly 5 years ago.By anonymous on 06/01/2010
Here is My Story! I had termination in March 2005, nearly 5 years ago. It was at xmas time when I started seeing someone I knew casually, and had recently come out of a 2 1/2 year relationship and was having a good time at the age of 20 being single. Looking back now I was naive..... I had stopped taking the pill as I was not in a serious relationship, silly I know and got pregnant. I had been getting painful breasts and thought I would be due on soon as I was late, but never did. My friends suggested I did a pregnancy test which I did and turned out negative. Relieved...it wasnt 'til I got a text from the guy I was casually seeing, and having unprotected sex with, saying that he has chlamydia and I should go and get checked out. I went to the clinic had the tests which came back that I had it too, and they did a pregnancy test. They asked me if there was a chance I could be pregnant and I said 'no' as I had taken a test weeks before saying it was negative. The nurse came back to the room, and said, 'your pregnant'. I can remember the day as clear as anything. In shock, I burst into tears, I was 20 years old, nearly in 3rd year of my nurse training and not in serious relationship. I knew I could not have the baby and it was not the right time at all and not the right situation. I told the baby's father a 19 year old student also at uni, and he was shocked. We never really saw much of each other, and I went to the hospital to have termination without him. I felt unsupported by him. I never told my family, and only to this day a few friends know. I now have a great boyfriend who I have told and he lets me speak about it, but I feel as if I shouldn't talk to him as it was with another guy, but he is supportive and listens. I know it was the right decision, but I never ever stop thinking about it. I imagine what it would be like if I had the child. I live with guilt each and every day, I cry for the baby I don't have. I am so envious of pregnant women and people who have babies and am desperate to have a baby and enjoy pregnancy because my experience was not a happy one. I don't regret the choice I made, but I live with the guilt every day. I find it hard to listen to my friends talk about pregnancy and their families... I hope that I will be happy and have family of my own to make my experience easier. It seems the longer it is since it happened the more upset I am...I had just turned 21 the week before the termination and I will always remember my birthday as being pregnant and no one knowing.... I also wonder if I'm the only one who feels like this.... I suppose it is one of those life experiences that has made me who I am today!!. sorry for the long story!!hope someone can relate to my experience.
It sounds as though there are different dialogues going on in your head and your heart. Your head tells you that you made the right decision, and that you could not have had a baby at that time in your career, and with that person.
Your heart is aching for what might have been, and a decision that feels outside of the instincts and values you long for. The guilt comes from inside when you cross a value boundary that feels wrong. I think it would really help you to go through 'The Journey'post abortion support programme that would give you a chance to work out where some of these deep regrets are coming from. You could see if there is a centre near you on the web site or ring the helpline on 0300 4000 999.