My partner especially was absolutely adamant we could not keep her

Last week I was sitting in this same spot reading through all of your stories. My baby was still inside of me and I was debating over whether or not to keep her or have a termination. As soon as I found out I was pregnant I was over the moon. My maternal instincts kicked in right away and I had the most overwhelming love for this precious little life that me and my partner, who I love dearly, had created. We never thought I'd get pregnant as I was diagnosed with endometrosis 6 months ago, and I thought the chances of me conceiving were slim. As the weeks went by everybody around me one by one expressed there concern about me keeping our baby. My partner especially was absolutely adamant we could not keep her (I have always known she was a girl and refuse to use the word 'it'). We couldn't offer her the life she deserved. He is in a badly paid job, we both live with our parents and my mom expressed that I would no longer be able to remain at home with the baby as she has just overcome cancer and didn't feel she would cope. My partner's parents felt the same, that we were too young and just weren't ready to be parents. I fought and fought to try and keep hold of our baby praying to God to make people realise we could manage. But nothing changed and the thought of me alone in a hostel with a new born baby terrified me. I loved her so much and I wanted more for her than that. So we booked an appointment for the 29th of December 2009 for an early surgical abortion under local anaesthetic. I was 8 weeks pregnant. My mom,my partner and his parents attended the appointment with me. As soon as we walked in panic rose in my chest, I clung onto my tummy the whole time I was waiting, talking to my baby, saying sorry over and over again . . . and saying goodbye. It was like a cattle farm. None of the nurses were the kind, supporting people I was told they would be. It wasn't comfortable and it was filthy dirty and cramped. I was called in, told to undress into my nightgown and taken into theatre clutching my teddy so tightly. I was numb at this point my heart and mind had turned themselves off. All I could think of was my baby oblivious to the fact it was about to die. I'm crying my eyes out while writing this. I find it extremely difficult to talk about the procedure as I was awake. I felt and saw everything, I went into shock and fainted. When I came round I was ushered into the waiting room given tea and biscuits and told to wait until my blood pressure dropped as it was so high they couldn't measure it. I was in shock. Suddenly reality hit me that my baby was gone and I tried to run back into theatre and get her back. I ran to find my mom and my partner's mom and collapsed into there arms screaming 'what have I done?' They too burst into tears clinging to me. I was then told to leave. As soon as I got home I fell asleep and when I woke up I was in emotional agony. I called my priest, told him what I had done and he came straight over. The comfort and support he gave me saved my life. He told me that God loves me, God forgives me, and my baby is in his arms. Everytime I feel upset and miss her to pray to her because she is now my saint . . . my little angel. My partner then rushed home from work to me and as soon as he walked in he could see how distraught and heartbroken I was and held me all night. The next morning (yesterday) we went to church and lit a candle for our angel. We told her how sorry we were, how much we love her and one day we will take care of her the way she deserves. Today has been very hard for me as I have been alone. I had a dream last night about my baby and woke up in the depths of depression. I have harmed myself this evening I simply couldn't find any other way to express my pain. I have spoken to a counseller from the LIFE organisation and am waiting for a phone call back to omfirm my counselling which I desperately need. I'm in such despair. Will I ever overcome this? Does my baby forgive me? Is she safe? x Editor's Comment:- It is heartbreaking to read what has happened to you. It seems as though you were unable to make the decision you wanted because of the pressure from everyone around you. Perhaps because of your love for your partner, you felt unable to stand up for what you wanted. The whole experience sounded very distressing, and abortion under local anaesthetic is very painful and traumatic. I hope that Life will be able to give you post abortion counselling and support. I do believe that you will come through this with your faith in God and your priest's support as well. If we can help or support you in any way please ring the helpline 0300 4000 999 and we will try and link you up with some more support.
This story was sent in on 06/01/2010

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