It is two week since I terminated my pregnancy a choice I totally regret.
By anonymous on 25/01/2010It is two week since I terminated my pregnancy a choice I totally regret. All I want is my baby, to hold it and care for it. My pregnancy was unplanned. I had taken the morning after pill and it failed. I knew the instant my period was late. I did a test on the Sunday and when it showed positive I was in complete shock. My initial response was 'I can't have a baby'. I was in an on/off relationship with the baby's father. I made an appointment with the GP for the Tuesday. I was in and out of the surgery within 5 minutes. Whilst I was saying to him I did not want to have my baby my insides was screaming 'I don't actually know what I want'. My GP didn't ask if I was sure about my choice or offer me any sort of counselling service. I had my first appointment at the hospital the following monday. I went but sat the whole time not wanting to be there. Following my scan the Doctor left the room leaving the scan pictures on the table in front of me. Upon explaining the procedure he kept referring to my baby as 'the mass'. When I returned home I had strong feelings of wanting to keep my baby. I spoke with the baby's father who made it clear he was not in a position to support me, but did not put me under any pressure to terminate the pregnancy. I have no family living close and was worried about the lack of practical and emotional support I would have, and how I would support my baby financially. I kept changing my mind with regards to my pregnancy. I tried writing things down but just couldn't seem to find a way in which I could have had my baby. I would have had to work full time to support my child. When I went to the hospital I broke down and couldn't take the tablet. The nurse was very nice and advised me to go away and think some more. The baby's father had supported me to the hospital and when I spoke to him again his stance was unchanged. I returned to the hospital and went through with the termination. The physical aspect of the termination was not as bad as I thought, although I can still feel my baby coming out and as much as I tried not to look at the bed pan, I did see my baby there. Since then I have cried on a daily basis. I returned to work the following week and have struggled greatly. Nobody there knows I was pregnant. I am trying to pretend everything is okay to them with great difficulty, spending much of my time in the toilet trying not to cry. Looking at the factors that influenced my decision I realised the stress I felt had a negative impact. It affected my ability to identify a way in which I could have overcome the difficulties, which would have allowed me to have my child. I made the wrong choice and there is nothing I can do to change it.
One of the most difficult things is to consider carrying on with the pregnancy alone. The response of the father is often a big factor in the decision and you may have felt fearful of trying to cope alone. I am very sad that you were not directed to a counselling service. The recommendation is that everyone receives counselling before an abortion because it is such a big decision. It may have helped you to have someone independent helping you to work out what support was available for you, if you wanted to continue the pregnancy. It is hard to make a good decision when you are under pressure. You are feeling a lot of grief and regret now and I hope you will be able to get some support to help you come to terms with this. Please do access help through the website by phone, online, or looking up a local centre who offer post abortion support